Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!
by Jelp
Summary: So men can walk on water, spit fireballs out of their mouths, house demons, and summon large animals out of no where and no one finds that odd, but for a man to get pregnant isn't possible...Naruto mumbled to himself. Sasuke/Naruto Mpreg
1. Chapter 1: Sympathy Pains

Dedicated to Michelerene/lexjamandme - because I can.

**Warnings:** Yaoi, Anal, Oral, Mpreg – and a mesh of medical yet somehow totally off-the-wall way to explain mpreg. Please note that the medical portion of the explanation _will_ go over your head if you didn't do well in (or never took) basic Biology. You've been warned.

**Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!**

**Chapter One: Sympathy Pains**

"I'm telling you Baa-chan, I'm pregnant," Uzumaki Naruto said defiantly, crossing his arms over his chest in emphasis. Tsunade (known as Baa-chan to Naruto, and more respectfully Godaime Hokage to others) had a twitch in her eye.

"And I'm telling you Brat, that men can't get pregnant."

"Then how am I pregnant?" Naruto asked grumpily. Tsunade put her hand to her forehead and sighed.

"You're not pregnant. You didn't get pregnant because it is not anatomically possible. The idea that a man could get pregnant is ludicrous, idiotic, and just down right impossible."

"So men can walk on water, spit fireballs out of their mouths, house demons, and summon large animals out of no where and no one finds that odd, but for a man to get pregnant isn't possible..._right_..." Naruto mumbled to himself.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head nervously. He sighed. "Listen, I know I'm pregnant. I just know it," Naruto said. "I-I've got the symptoms. My breasts-"

"Your what?"

"Breasts!" Naruto said exasperated. "My breasts! They've swollen and they're sore," Naruto said, blushing furiously. "I've been more tired recently, and I feel bloated. I've been getting morning sickness the past week or so as well. Not to mention I have really, really bad cramps," Naruto said.

Tsunade put her face in her hands, and proceeded to shake her head. She took a deep breath and then lifted her hand from her palms and looked at Naruto.

"Naruto. You – are – not – pregnant. It is not possible," Tsunade said.

"But the symptoms-"

"Are for women!" Tsunade bellowed. "I did a medical check-up on you, and everything was fine. As for the throwing up, it is probably just some unhealthy food choices on your part, not morning sickness. You are perfectly normal. Or as normal as you can be anyway," Tsunade amended. Naruto growled, and then slammed his fist down on Tsunade's desk.

"You don't understand! I _am_ pregnant," Naruto snarled. Tsunade's eyes narrowed, and she stood up slowly from her desk, putting her face right in front of Naruto's.

"I don't know what's gotten into you Naruto, but you are most definitely _not_ pregnant," Tsunade murmured acidly back.

"But, all the symptoms-"

"You're being ridiculous!" Tsunade said, frustrated. She sighed. "I'll even do a pregnancy test on you to prove it to you that you're not pregnant."

Naruto huffed at this statement, but didn't argue any further since Tsunade finally seemed to take him seriously and would finally conduct a pregnancy test. He watched the Hokage mutter darkly to herself about how if he were anyone else she would have put a fist in his face at the way he treated her. She rummaged through her drawers, clearly looking for something to "prove him wrong" as Tsunade muttered again. Naruto couldn't hold back a grin as Tsunade shot him several dark looks for his attitude. The grin vanished from his face when Tsunade took out the something she was looking for, and grinned at him wickedly.

"What is _that_?" Naruto asked. Tsunade nearly rolled her eyes as she waved around the stick like thing in her hand. He had a feeling he knew what it was, but he had expected another method. Wasn't there some sort of chakra linked medical technique to check for pregnancy?

"This, you ungrateful brat, is a pregnancy test. You get to pee on it," Tsunade said. Naruto grumbled to himself.

"Fine," he said snappishly, grabbing the stick like thing he was supposed to pee on in order to tell him that he was pregnant. He left the Hokage's office grumbling to himself how he would prove her wrong as he headed to find the nearest men's room.

Five minutes later, Naruto came back in, pregnancy test stick in hand. Naruto frowned down at it, trying to understand what the weird colors meant.

Tsunade, after refusing to touch the stick claiming that that would be disgusting since he had peed on it, and the pursing argument from Naruto that she was a medical nin and should therefore be able to handle such things, Tsunade finally stood peering over Naruto's shoulder to look at the results. She snorted.

"You're not pregnant," Tsunade said firmly, turning away from the result, heading back to her desk. Naruto stared down at the stick in disbelief.

"Yes I am! This thing is wrong. I _know_ that I-"

"Enough!" Tsunade bellowed. "Naruto, you are not making any sense. There is no reason that you would be pregnant. It's just _not_ possible," Tsunade said, her voice getting quieter and softer at the end. She looked at Naruto sadly, seeing how upset he looked to find out that he was not pregnant.

"I am," Naruto repeated firmly. Tsunade merely shook her head.

"Naruto," Tsunade said, starting out slowly, "I can see that you really want to be pregnant. I must admit that I'm a bit flabbergasted as to why. However!" Tsunade said, raising her voice and holding up her hand as Naruto began to interrupt, "It is clear that you think that you are. Now, the question is, why on earth would you think that you're pregnant? Why would you believe something like that? And most interestingly enough, who do you think the mother – or should I say father – is?"

Naruto rubbed the back of his head, slightly embarrassed.

"That's a bit of an interesting story, but that's not the point! The point is that I have my reasons, and I know I'm pregnant," Naruto said, nodding his head for emphasis.

"As stubborn as ever," Tsunade growled out. Tsunade closed her eyes, feeling a headache coming on. She should start making Naruto bring her a bottle of sake every time that he came to her from now on so that way she could drink away the issues he brought her. She opened her eyes again and decided to try a different approach. "Do you know of anyone who is currently pregnant?" Tsunade asked.

Naruto shook his head.

"Do you hang around any females on a regular basis?" Tsunade asked. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Sakura of course. You know we still train regularly in case we hear word of where Sasuke is," Naruto said. Tsunade nodded. She did know that. It was hard to forget about Uchiha Sasuke when Naruto and Sakura pestered her for information, _any_ information, that might lead to his whereabouts since he had gone missing after the downfall of Akatsuki. Tsunade was fairly certain he was dead. Sakura and Naruto would never believe it, no matter the proof.

"Do you think Sakura could be pregnant?" Tsunade asked.

"What? Why would she be pregnant?" Naruto asked, confused. Tsunade shot him a look that clearly asked, and why would you be pregnant?

"The only reason I can think of that might explain why you are having these symptoms is that you might be around a pregnant female. It is not uncommon for men – usually husbands who live with their wives – to have the same symptoms of pregnant women. The same thing goes for menstruation. Some men experience sympathy pains when their wives and lovers get their period. I wondered if you were perhaps getting sympathy symptoms with a pregnant female that you were particularly close to. That might explain the pains; they're nothing more than sympathy pains to a pregnant female."

"Sympathy pains? That sounds stupid," Naruto said.

"Except that my 'stupid' story is clinically proven to occur, where as _your_ stupid idea is just stupid," Tsunade bit out. "So it appears that you are fine, and unless you knocked Sakura up and are so emotionally attached to her that you are moving through the same motions of pregnancy, you are not pregnant."

* * *

"Are you pregnant or something man?" Suigetsu asked. Sasuke glared at Suigetsu, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, looking away disgustedly from where he had just thrown up his breakfast.

"No," Sasuke hissed.

"But you keep puking your guts every morning like a pregnant chick," Suigetsu said, pointing at the pile of vomit where Sasuke had just emptied his stomach.

"_Honestly_. Sasuke-kun is a man. Men don't get pregnant Suigetsu! Why in the world would you ask something so stupid like that? Clearly Sasuke-kun is ill. He's probably just so sick of seeing your ugly face for so long it made him physically ill," Karin said flippantly, as she tossed her hair behind her shoulder.

"He's probably more sick of having you try and seduce him than anything to do with me. That's got to be it! Karin, stop making Sasuke sick," Suigetsu said, grinning his sharp teeth at her.

Suigetsu ducked as Karin took several swings at his head. He just laughed as he ran around Sasuke, Karin following him swinging wildly.

"You two are both childish," Jugo said, looking at them with a frown. Neither of them paid any attention to him as Karin continued to chase Suigetsu.

"Stop," Sasuke said quietly. Nonetheless, the almost palpable death threat laced behind the words made Suigetsu and Karin stop in their tracks immediately. Karin turned to look at Sasuke apologetically.

"Sorry Sasuke-kun. I just wanted to make sure you knew I will always defend your honor and pride," Karin practically chirped. Suigetsu rolled his eyes.

"Sasuke, no offense dude, but I'm not joking when I say I think you're preggers. I heard Kabuto was doing some pretty crazy experiments to try and get more little Uchihas. I mean, think about it. Once the body jutsu was up in three years, Orochimaru would need another body. Well oops! No more Sasuke's body with the cool sharingan and all that shit. He was trying to get you to spout out your little sperm into chicks to repopulate the Uchiha clan, but clearly that didn't work," Suigetsu said. He looked at Karin. "But if Orochimaru gave me this thing here to try and mate with, I don't blame you for not doing it either. Probably better in the long run." Suigetsu ducked away from Karin's swinging arms again.

"I am well aware of the offers that Orochimaru made to have me get involved with a harem. Why would I waste time on such a trivial thing when I could be training?" Sasuke hissed. Suigetsu held up his hands, more afraid of Sasuke's wrath than of Karin.

"I was just saying what I heard. I dunno why you wouldn't want to train. But, seriously, what I'm trying to tell ya is that when I was in that lab you rescued me from, I saw some pretty freaky shit going down. Kabuto had tried, and I'm pretty sure, succeeded in getting a guy pregnant."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," Sasuke stated bluntly.

"Yeah, well, we're talking Orochimaru here. When has he ever been sane? No, what I'm saying is that since you weren't producing little Uchihas, he was going to try and make your body asexual. Was there ever a time that you don't remember what was going on and Kabuto was with you?" Sasuke actually paused, looking thoughtfully disturbed, but Karin spoke up in his defense.

"Sasuke-kun, I wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth! He's just making up a bunch of nonsense," Karin said, glaring at Suigetsu. Suigetsu shrugged.

"I'm trying to explain what I heard, and I keep getting interrupted. Let me finish before you jump down my throat," Suigetsu said, finally starting to get really annoyed with Karin.

"Continue," Sasuke all but commanded.

"Sasuke-kun! You can't really be taking him serious-" The look on Sasuke's face told her that yes he was being serious. Karin's words died on her lips.

"From what I heard, when Orochimaru's spirit takes over a body, he keeps his little Orochimaru sperm so when he procreates and all that fun stuff, he can still make little Orochimaru babies. Just what we all want! The problem lies in the fact that you're a guy, and you can't have little Uchiha babies. So, my guess is they were trying to figure out a way to make it so that Orochimaru would be able to get your body pregnant. Basically they were trying to figure out how to turn you into a woman with a penis so you could – well, so _Orochimaru_ could – create Uchiha and Orochimaru babies."

There was silence for a minute.

"That's just disgusting," Karin said, shuddering at the mental image that Suigetsu's description had just caused.

"Yeah, well, Orochimaru was disgusting," Suigetsu agreed.

"And how did they go about proposing to do this?" Sasuke asked.

"From what I could figure out, it had something to do with your belly button-"

"The belly button? Oh come on! This is just ridiculous!" Karin interrupted again.

"Shut up," Sasuke hissed angrily. Karin shrank back in fear.

"Yes, the belly button. Since you know when you get a boner, and how when you lay down your penis comes up around your naval? I think the idea had something to do with the fact that when you squirt out your happies-"

"Your _happies_?" Sasuke interrupted this time.

"Yeah! Your happies – your sperm!" Suigetsu explained, rolling his eyes, "That your happies would pool down into your belly button and get absorbed there. Not quite sure how exactly, but anyway, then they would go into your tummy and bingo! Babies are created."

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Impregnation through the naval! What nonsense!" Karin shrieked out, turning to look at Sasuke. "Sasuke-kun, I am sure Suigetsu is just-"

"So theoretically speaking, I could impregnate myself if I were to ejaculate my sperm and allow it time to soak onto my stomach, correct? Or another male could impregnate me if his sperm were to pool into my naval?" Sasuke murmured thoughtfully.

"Isn't that what I just explained?" Suigetsu asked irritably.

"That's...different. And disturbing," Sasuke murmured, looking both intrigued and troubled.

"Wait a minute. You look like you believe me. Do you think you're pregnant?" Suigetsu asked. Karin looked at Sasuke incredulously.

"You don't seriously believe him, do you?" she asked mortified.

"We're moving out," Sasuke said, ignoring both of them.

"Dude – have you been jerking off and got yourself pregnant? Or was it someone else?" Suigetsu asked excitedly.

"I said, we're moving out," Sasuke hissed, and all further discussion stopped. At least, all discussion to his face stopped.

Suigetsu and Jugo followed Sasuke and Karin through the forest that Sasuke had directed them to on their latest self-assigned mission, speaking in hushed voices lest Sasuke here.

"He doesn't seem like the type to jerk off," Suigetsu mused thoughtfully.

"He doesn't seem like he has any desire to be sexual at all," Jugo put out. Suigetsu shook his head.

"I dunno about that. Do you remember that blond teammate of his?" Suigetsu asked. Jugo looked at Suigetsu with an eyebrow raised.

"Yes, but Sasuke hasn't seen him in months."

"That we know of. It's not like he hasn't gone off on his own without us before. There have been plenty of opportunities for them to have a nice little fuck. I mean, whenever Sasuke talks about that guy, Sasuke just seems to get this look in his eyes that is just...different," Suigetsu noted. Jugo shrugged.

"If you're implying that Sasuke is having a secret love affair with his former blond teammate, I don't know enough to say yes or no to that. The point is, whatever the case, I think that you may be onto something with Sasuke. I think you're right. I think he's really pregnant."

"Discussing me behind my back is very rude," Sasuke hissed coldly, suddenly appearing behind the two shinobi. They both stiffened at Sasuke's sudden appearance.

"Sorry," they said, both trying not to tremble.

"Don't let it happen again."

* * *

"I am pregnant!" Naruto sighed to himself as he sat on top of the Hokage's mountain, knowing that he was going to be a father.

Poor Naruto. He was only half right.

He had no idea that he really wasn't pregnant. He also had no clue that Sasuke was.

* * *

**Next Chapter: Speculation**

Chapter 2 and chapter 3 have the most "medical" explanations in them. The rest is rather off-the-wall. Either way, I hope you enjoy the fic! ~ Jelp


	2. Chapter 2: Speculation

**Warnings:** Yaoi, Anal, Oral, Mpreg – and a mesh of medical yet somehow totally off-the-wall way to explain mpreg. Please note that the medical portion of the explanation _will_ go over your head if you didn't do well in (or never took) basic Biology. You've been warned.

This fic dedicated to michelerene/lexjamandme. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

**Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!**

**Chapter 2: Speculation**

"Shouldn't you go to a doctor or something, you know, in case you're pregnant?" Suigetsu asked almost gleefully. Even while wiping the remains of bile from his mouth, Sasuke managed to glare darkly despite being even paler from vomiting.

"He doesn't need to go to a doctor because, for the last time, he's a guy and therefore isn't pregnant!" Karin screeched angrily.

"If he's not pregnant, then puking up his guts for the past month every morning or early afternoon can't be a good thing. I mean, one week, you could pass it off as a bad stomach virus, but it's been a _month_ now! If he's not pregnant then there's something probably seriously wrong with him. Either way he needs to see a doctor," Suigetsu reasoned.

"Because a guy being pregnant wouldn't mean there's something seriously wrong with him," Karin muttered.

Sasuke seemed oblivious to their bickering.

They had traveled from small village to village since Akatsuki's downfall, not staying longer than a week at a time in each new place. This had been going on for almost three months with Sasuke being ill for almost half of that time. Even so, out of everyone, Sasuke seemed the least concerned about his health. At one point Karin had suggested that Sasuke return to Konoha because the Hokage was known as an extraordinary doctor and would surely be able to help him. Sasuke had refused to return in case they treated him as a missing nin and executed him on the spot.

Suigetsu argued that he doubted that Sasuke was seen as a threat to Konoha after Sasuke's true intentions and positions were made known, but Sasuke still refused. Suigetsu had suggested that perhaps there was someone in Konoha that Sasuke was too _scared_ to see in case Sasuke feared rejection. Sasuke had promptly punched Suigetsu in the face, which had ended further discussion.

Now Juugo was more concerned about Sasuke's health than anyone, and he had a feeling that he could get information out of Sasuke with more tact than the other two.

"Do you think you're ill? Or do you think you're pregnant?" Juugo finally asked Sasuke. "Not that I'm by any means an expert on morning sickness, but it does seem to point to that. At least, it's not very severe vomiting." Sasuke looked at Juugo intently. While Sasuke had been sick to his stomach for almost a month and a half now, Suigetsu hadn't made his half-joke about the possibility of him being pregnant until one month ago. Since Suigetsu had turned from half-joking to serious as he explained the experiments he had witnessed in Kabuto's twisted lab, they hadn't really talked about the fact that Sasuke might actually be pregnant.

The light teasing from Suigetsu (and Karin's screeching reminder to the former Rain Shinobi that Sasuke was a guy and therefore it was impossible for him to get pregnant) didn't count as _discussing_ it.

"If what Suigetsu suggests is true, then there's a possibility."

"What?" Karin gasped. Suigetsu grinned victoriously.

"As Suigetsu wondered about before, there were indeed times when Kabuto did things to my body without me being fully aware of the extent of the procedures. In order to make myself – my body particularly – as efficient as possible, I permitted Kabuto to do testing on my body," Sasuke explained. Juugo narrowed his eyes, looking unexceptionally furious.

"Why would you allow him to do that? Did having the curse seal teach you nothing about those experiments?! You've no idea what he could have done to you! Look at the state you're in now!"

"If I had refused the offer to undergo procedures to enhance my body's capabilities to make myself more powerful against Itachi, don't you think they would have found it odd? My defiance during my training made Orochimaru push me harder in ways I did not want to be pushed, and I had little patience for him then. While I could explain my defiance during training without raising too much suspicion to my future mutiny, I couldn't do the same in regards to my body. And do you think I showed no resistance whatsoever? If I agreed to go along with what they wanted, I was able to give time limits that would cut down on what they wanted to do to me. By co-operating, I made it more difficult for them to do the types of pre-body-transfer procedures they would have liked. Trust me, I did not make it easy."

"But – do you really that he performed a procedure that could get a guy pregnant?" Karin asked confused.

"Considering their past experiments with animals, I wouldn't put it past Kabuto and Orochimaru to have done testing with asexual reproduction. One lab in particular was reserved for testing on sea creatures, and I recall there being asexual creatures that they tested on. There are also a variety of reasons that Orochimaru may have wanted to give my body the ability to asexually reproduce, some more twisted than others. What Suigetsu said may have been a valid point. As I refused to reproduce by using Orochimaru's harem for recreational purposes, and if Orochimaru truly did keep his own sperm upon entering a new body (though I have my doubts about the validity of that speculation) then he may have done what he could to ensure that I could have children so that he could use that child's body as a transfer later on."

"But-" Karin interjected, but Sasuke cut her off.

"On the other hand, it seems unlikely that Orochimaru would want to be pregnant for approximately one fourth of his stay in my body. I also find it odd that Orochimaru would be able to keep his sperm as I kept my whatever it is – eggs I suppose – with my blood limit line after the transfer. It would still be my body and my DNA, so why would he be able to use his own sperm in _my_ body, especially if the eggs kept my DNA?"

"If you want to get technical, women have all of their eggs from birth while men's sperm have a turnover rate of three months. So it would be possible for you to keep your eggs and Orochimaru to re-supply your body with his own sperm after three months," Karin added.

"Even if you look at it that way, there would still be a three month supply of my own sperm left in my body. He could have," Sasuke paused and shuddered, "used that left over sperm to try and impregnate multiple women with my DNA. I also still doubt that he would have been capable of recreating his DNA in my body. His previous bodies had outer skins placed on them to make them look like him, but the original body lied underneath. Besides, if they had truly wanted for me to reproduce, they would have pushed the matter by either trying to get me to have sex or somehow saving some of my sperm. No, I think the real purpose Kabuto and Orochimaru planned this was as a means to keep me under control should I refuse the body transfer jutsu in some manner when I had hit my three year period."

"You did refuse it," Suigetsu said grinning, but no one paid any attention to him.

"What do you mean as a means to keep you under control?" Juugo asked.

"If I were pregnant, it would be a greater burden on me. If I was unaware of my pregnancy until a later trimester, than it would make aborting a larger fetus much more difficult in a male body, meaning I would be stuck with carrying the child full term. At that point, I am sure Kabuto would have informed me that only he knew the method of safely delivering the child without causing my death from it ripping me from the inside out."

"Yeah, but you would have ripped him from the inside out afterward, and probably cut off his dick and shoved it into his mouth. That'd be putting his life in your hands messing around with your body like that just to keep you subdued and around them. I don't think they would give you the capability of being pregnant if you would just kill them after they took out the child," Suigetsu reasoned.

"But they wouldn't necessarily need me anymore as they would have the child. They could use that as the new body," Sasuke countered.

"What good would putting Orochimaru into an itty bitty baby do?" Karin asked.

"It would be good comedic relief for the rest of us," Suigetsu deadpanned.

"Maybe they found a way for the jutsu to be permanent if he were to be transferred into a baby," Juugo suggested thoughtfully.

"Or maybe Kabuto did it to Sasuke without Orochimaru's approval. Let's face facts. Kabuto always did seem a bit more interested in Orochimaru than just master and subordinate. Maybe Kabuto wanted to use Sasuke's body with Orochimaru in it to-" Karin began.

"I'd rather not hear your speculations on what Kabuto may or may not have planned to do with my body," Sasuke said, allowing the disgust to filter into his voice.

"And I would rather not lose my food like Sasuke did at that thought either," Suigetsu grumbled. "Haven't we determined that Orochimaru is sick and twisted enough that there is an actual likelihood of us not wanting to _know_ his sick and twisted reasons, or Kabuto's reasons for that matter, of why Sasuke may be able to get pregnant? It's pretty likely they had the capability. We _know _that. I don't think I _want_ to know the _why_."

Juugo looked at Suigetsu and nodded before turning to Sasuke.

"Whatever is going on with your body, pregnancy or not, you should still get a check up. If you think you are pregnant then we should figure out a way for you to get rid of it now before it gets too hard to do so," Jugo said thoughtfully.

"Who said I wanted to get rid of the child?" Sasuke asked, his voice soft but deadly.

"You can't be serious! You-"

"I'll concede to the point that the possibility of me actually being pregnant seems unusually likely due to my symptoms. I will also concede to the fact that I should see a doctor. As I do not have female anatomy, I'm speculating that this is a one-time ability. Therefore carrying the child full term will not only be difficult but very risky. It would be best to start the preparations for that as soon as possible. As for getting rid of the child, do not talk to me about it."

No one seemed to want to argue with Sasuke, but it was obvious they wanted to point out the many risks of a guy getting pregnant. Instead, Karin asked another question.

"Why do you think, if you even are pregnant, that you can only do it once?"

"As I have not been getting normal monthly menstruations, clearly my body does not go through the normal phases of ridding itself of eggs and extra blood that supplements the fetus's growth. It is likely that I can only get pregnant once, else my body would be full of blood that was not released during menstruation. Of course this is all just speculation. Until we find out more, the only thing we can do is speculate about the workings of my body."

"You really have thought about this, haven't you? And you really think you're pregnant, don't you?" Karin asked surprised. Sasuke merely nodded.

"But – but – what specifically makes you think that you're pregnant?" Karin asked. "And if you are pregnant, was it your sperm or..." Karin paused, looking horribly dejected at this thought, "...someone else's? And if so, whose?"

* * *

"NARUTO!"

Naruto looked behind him and almost "eeped" as he ran faster.

"GET BACK HERE!" Sakura screeched from behind him, but Naruto just ran faster instead of stopping.

"WHY WOULD YOU ASK IF I'M PREGNANT?! ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I'M FAT?!" Sakura shrieked at Naruto. Naruto shouted behind him.

"Tsunade-baa-chan said-"

"What?!" Sakura screeched, but she stopped, caught off guard that Tsunade had put the idea in Naruto's head, and it hadn't been his own idea. "Why on earth would she tell you something like that?!" Sakura demanded. After several minutes of Naruto yelling from a good, safe distance away from Sakura after she had finished shrieking her displeasure of being asked if she were pregnant or not, Naruto was finally able to explain.

"...and Tsunade said that the only explanation that I might be having pregnancy symptoms is if I was around a female that was pregnant. And you're the closest female friend I have," Naruto finished.

"You're having pregnancy symptoms?" Sakura asked incredulous.

Naruto blushed and rattled off his symptoms to Sakura.

"It's been going on for a month and a half. I told Tsunade-baa-chan about it around a month ago," Naruto explained. Sakura blinked owlishly at him.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Sakura asked, looking slightly hurt that Naruto hadn't confided in her.

"I thought you'd laugh at me like Tsunade-baa-chan did," Naruto grumbled. Sakura walked forward, bridging the safe distance Naruto had kept between them, and gave a half giggle before covering her mouth with her hand and then sobering up.

"I will admit that it is a little odd that you think that you're pregnant, but if this has been going on for over a month, then something isn't right with your body. Tsunade-shishou can't find anything at all wrong with you?" Sakura asked surprised. Naruto shook his head.

"And no one believes me that I'm pregnant," Naruto said frustrated.

"Naruto, you're not pregnant. It's just not possible. You're a _guy_," Sakura said, though she said it very gently.

"But – I feel it! I can't even explain it. It's like I can feel an extra connection with my chakra. I just know I'm gonna be a Daddy," Naruto said, his eyes wide, fierce with the desire for her to just believe.

"Hmm," Sakura said thoughtfully. "Maybe your new sage chakra has made you feel extra sensitive to chakra, and perhaps it's something else. You can pick up on people's chakra signatures from anywhere in Konoha, so it could even be the developing child or someone you've never met. Or…maybe you just want to be a father so badly that you're trying to will it to be so."

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked.

"You believe it, so your body is reacting to your beliefs. You're not really pregnant, but your mind and your body think you are so your body's showing certain aspects of being pregnant. A placebo affect in a way." Sakura engulfed Naruto in a comforting hug and ruffled his hair. She pulled back and grinned widely at Naruto who had turned red at the affection. "I didn't see you as the kind who would be ready to settle down and start a family already."

"I'm not! I – I just _feel_ pregnant," Naruto mumbled. Sakura gave him a piteous look.

"Ah Naruto, you're such an idiot," Sakura said, but there was deep affection in her voice. "I truly had no idea how badly you wanted a family. You're lonely," Sakura said sadly.

Naruto scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. He'd never really considered that possibility before. Perhaps he just wanted a family so badly that he was making his body think he was pregnant. He did want a family, especially since he was missing one of the few people he considered part of his extended family – the most important person in his extended family.

Ever since they had become friends, Naruto had considered Sasuke like part of his family. Since Sasuke wasn't to be found, and since the time that he had last seen Sasuke three months ago when their fighting had drastically and unexpectedly changed into them becoming intimate...

Well, maybe Naruto was just hopeful, trying to bring a part of his family home by thinking that he carried Sasuke's child within him. Putting it like that made Naruto snort.

Naruto shook his head.

"Ah, you're right Sakura. I'm just being stupid," Naruto said, sadly.

"Missing Sasuke?" Sakura asked. Naruto sighed and nodded.

"Me too. But we'll find him and bring him back, even if Tsunade-shishou doesn't think he's alive."

"Trust me. I know he is. And I will bring him back," Naruto promised.

"When that happens, maybe these silly little symptoms will go away."

Naruto's symptoms stopped at the end of the week, and Naruto went back to his normal life, not thinking about babies again for quite some time.

* * *

_Six and a half months later…_

Naruto awoke, yawning. He sat up and stretched his arms, rubbing his eyes as he then stood up and stretched even wider. He cracked his neck, twisting his body this way and that to get the kinks out. As he turned his body to the side while stretching, he happened to look over at the foot of his bed. His movements ceased suddenly.

There, by the foot of his bed, was a baby nestled in a basket sleeping peacefully. Naruto blinked his eyes in disbelief, his mouth opening and closing before he managed to finally speak his mind.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS A BABY DOING IN MY ROOM?!"

**Next Chapter: Baby

* * *

  
**

Don't worry; there will be some time jumping around. You'll get to see how the little tyke got to Naruto's room, and yes, of course, how exactly the little tyke got put into Sasuke's belly. Let me know what you thought! ~ Jelp


	3. Chapter 3: Baby

**Warnings:** Yaoi, Anal, Oral, Mpreg – and a mesh of medical yet somehow totally off-the-wall way to explain mpreg. Please note that the medical portion of the explanation _will_ go over your head if you didn't do well in (or never took) basic Biology. You've been warned.

This fic is dedicated to michelerene/lexjamandme.

Special thanks to Master of the Rebels who was kind enough to beta this for me! ::huggles her::

**Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!**

**Chapter 3: Baby**

Naruto blinked, looking at the baby in the baby basket in utter disbelief. His first thought was that he hadn't really woken up yet, and seeing a baby on his floor was just a dream. Once he realized that he was awake, he thought that perhaps this was just some sort of elaborate joke in the form of a genjutsu.

"Kai!" Naruto tried. When the baby was still there, Naruto tried the genjutsu release again, but the baby still sat sleeping in its little basket.

There was a baby sleeping in his apartment. What. The. Hell? While Naruto was fairly certain that the baby was really in his apartment, he had no idea as to why. The baby was asleep at the moment. His earlier cry of disbelief (thankfully) hadn't woken the little baby. From Naruto's experience, when babies woke up, they cried, wanted to be fed, and (eww) needed their diapers changed. What Naruto didn't know about this baby was whom it belonged to, and why in the world someone would put a baby in his room. It unnerved him to think that there had been someone in his place and he hadn't even woken up. Thankfully nothing had been done to him.

Naruto put his hands in his hair, wondering what the heck he was supposed to do. Why would anyone leave a baby for him?

Sighing, Naruto took a closer look at the sleeping baby, careful to be quiet. (There was a strange instinct in Naruto to keep the baby from waking lest it start crying.) The baby was very cute, though the little one couldn't be more than a few weeks old. Naruto scratched the back of his head, looking thoughtful. What to do?

* * *

"There's a strange baby in my apartment that someone dumped there," Naruto said as he burst into the Hokage's Office.

"Naruto, I thought all this nonsense about you being pregnant and having a baby ended _ages_ ago-"

"I'm not saying I'm pregnant and I gave birth to a baby! I'm saying there's an actual baby that someone _else_ gave birth to and then left in my apartment! They left the little tyke in a basket at my place!" Tsunade looked at Naruto searchingly.

"Are you serious?" Tsunade demanded, looking at him critically.

"Yes."

"There's a baby in your apartment?"

"Yes," Naruto emphasized.

"WELL WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE A BABY ALL ALONE?! WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING IT HERE?!" Tsunade bellowed.

"It was sleeping! Moving it might have woken it! Babies scream and cry when they're awake!" Naruto said as though his reasoning were obvious.

"If you really did magically happen to have a baby appear in your apartment-"

"You make it sound like a stork brought the baby because I asked for it!"

"-you can't just leave it alone!"

"I didn't want to bring it here with me in case the parent came back and the baby's alone! But do you really think I'm that irresponsible? I'm with the baby still," Naruto said.

It took half a second for Tsunade to register Naruto's words and what he meant when he had said, "I'm with the baby still."

"You're a clone," Tsunade realized. The Naruto clone in front of her rolled his eyes.

"You really thought I'd leave a baby all alone?" Naruto asked angrily. Tsunade's truthful answer was yes, but she didn't voice her initial thought. "You need to come and check the baby out as soon as possible!"

"Naruto," Tsunade said, putting her hand to her face, "you do realize that I am the Hokage which means I have many duties. Why didn't you get Sakura to check the baby over?"

"The instruction manual that the baby came with said to have you check the baby out specifically."

"Instruction manual? Babies do NOT come with instruction manuals."

"Babies aren't supposed to randomly appear in my room either, but this one did AND it has an instruction manual that came with it."

"You know, I think I do need to see this."

* * *

"I don't believe this. There's really an instruction manual," Tsunade muttered.

She and Naruto's clone had left the Hokage Tower immediately and had gone back to Naruto's apartment, jumping in through Naruto's window. (Tsunade had said that it was about time that she got to enter through someone else's window as people tended to do that to her office all the time.) The clone vanished upon returning, and Naruto pointed to the baby incredulously, as though to say, "See?"

Tsunade immediately went to the baby. The baby was awake now, its little body twisting in the sheet, its eyes barely open. The baby's little lip trembled and he (Tsunade had just checked) looked ready to start crying at any moment. His little bottom lip made a downward curve, his chin trembling slightly, and his eyes scrunched up as he began to finally cry.

"Aaaa...Aaaa..." It was a quiet, low cry, and it somehow made him endearing rather than annoying, as most babies are when they cry.

If Naruto had been able to see his own face at that moment, he would have seen his eyes widen comically as he rushed over, pushing Tsunade to the side (none too gently either), practically pushing her out of the way as he scooped the baby up. The baby's cries were slightly muffled as Naruto gently held the baby to his shoulder, cradling the baby's head tenderly. Tsunade took a good look at the baby boy in Naruto's arms as well as taking a good look at Naruto's face. Part of Tsunade felt her heart skip a beat as she remembered that Naruto has thought he was pregnant. He had said, "I have my reasons."

Tsunade swallowed, wondering how Naruto could have confused the evidence like this. Why hadn't Naruto told her that he'd had sex? Clearly the woman Naruto had had sex with had given birth. He had been experiencing sympathy pains for the baby's mother. Why hadn't Naruto thought to ask the woman he'd slept with if she were pregnant?

Sakura had told Tsunade her theory that perhaps Naruto's sage ability to pick up on people's chakra had made it so that he had picked up on a random woman's sympathy pains. It wasn't a random woman's – it was whomever Naruto had slept with.

Did Naruto honestly not see the resemblance between himself and the baby? Even Tsunade could see it! Did Naruto honestly not know why this baby was in his place? The baby was his!

"Why is it crying?" Naruto asked confused.

"The baby is a he, not an it, and there could be any number of reasons why a baby cries," Tsunade said as she contemplated if Naruto really had no idea that the baby was most likely his child.

"I know that, but which type of crying is it?" Naruto asked.

"Which type of crying is _what_?"

"In the instruction manual it said that babies cry for different reasons, but the sound and the pitch of the cry can determine the reason, you know, if it sounds a certain way than he's cranky because he needs to eat or to be changed, that kind of thing."

"Does it really say that in the 'instruction manual?'"

"Yes. Page seven." Raising her eyebrows, Tsunade grabbed the instruction manual from where Naruto had had it on his bed, opening it to page seven. Her eyes widened and her eyebrows raised even more as she read the information that explained, as Naruto briefly mentioned, the different cries that babies make to show what they want and/or needed.

"According to the sound of his cry's low pitch, he's hungry."

"So he just needs baby food? The little guy just wants some milk!"

"You know, for the briefest moment, I was sure that you were going to suggest feeding the baby ramen."

"I'm not stupid!"

"Are you sure?" Tsunade mumbled, but Naruto didn't hear her. "You'll have to get formula for the baby as I doubt there is a fresh supply of breast milk just lying around," Tsunade mumbled.

"Who knows? There might be some in the fridge," Naruto said thoughtfully.

"Haha, funny," Tsunade pretended to laugh as she rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious. You haven't seen the rest of my place. Apparently a new baby wasn't the only thing I got," Naruto said, looking worried.

"What?" Tsunade asked before exiting Naruto's room and striding down the hall in the direction she assumed his living room would be. She stopped in surprise. Her mouth opened wide in astonishment.

"Yeah," Naruto muttered, silently agreeing with Tsunade's unspoken astonishment. Naruto walked by her into the fridge, and indeed, there in the fridge was a bottle clearly labeled "breast milk" along with a katon tag attached to it. It stated that upon setting off the shinobi tag the bottle would warm to the right temperature to allow for the baby's consumption. Naruto shifted the crying baby to his left arm and released the seal, the bottle warming instantly.

"Cool," Naruto said as he took the bottle and placed the baby bottle to the baby's lips. The tiny baby began sucking away at the bottle, his cries ceasing.

Tsunade only half paid attention to Naruto as she stared around the room.

The living room and kitchen were filled with stacks of baby things: bottles, diapers, formula, clothes, a stroller, crib, changing station, and other miscellaneous items including baby bathing items, a grooming kit, and-

"What the hell is a swaddle cloth?" Naruto asked as he fed the baby while nodding his head toward a cloth with a tag that labeled it in bright block letters as a swaddle cloth.

"You have a baby dropped in your place with what looks like a year's worth of baby supplies that make it clear whoever left the baby with you wants you to permanently care for this child, and you ask what a swaddle cloth is?" Tsunade asked incredulously.

"But – but if I really do have to take care of a baby, I'll have to know! And why me?"

"Have you taken a good look at him, Naruto?"

"Of course!"

"Can't you see whose baby he is?"

"Yeah! He belongs to the person who left him here."

"Naruto. You're an idiot. He's your son."

"What?" Naruto gasped, his face paling. "No, no. That's not possible. I mean," Naruto took a look at the baby he fed in his arms. "But...that can't be. It just...I mean...if the baby is mine, then that would mean-"

Naruto's mouth gaped open, and Tsunade stared at him.

"That would mean _what_, Naruto?"

"That's not possible…"

* * *

_Six Months Earlier..._

"You appear to be fourteen weeks along," the incredulous doctor informed Sasuke.

"No way! He's a guy! He can't be pregnant!" Karin cried out.

"Told you," Suigetsu said, smugly. "I don't understand why you're surprised. Orochimaru was known to experiment with mixing both human and animal genes together. There are animals out there that can reproduce on their own. Why is it so hard to believe that Sasuke didn't have his body even more mutated? He could grow wings and could fucking fly, but that's not so odd?" Suigetsu asked Karin.

"But – but it's Sasuke-kun!" Karin said as though that explained everything.

"So doc," Suigetsu said, grinning widely, "any theories as to how he got himself preggers?"

"Actually, with Sasuke-sama's case, his pregnancy did not come about, nor could it have come about, asexually. Another partner was needed. More specifically, another male partner was necessary."

"What?!" Karin screeched.

"Karin, shut up. I want to hear what the doctor has to say without your screeching interruptions," Sasuke growled lowly. Karin cowered slightly, but nodded as the doctor continued.

"In the case of most animals' asexual reproduction, it is through what is called 'budding.' What that means is that the new offspring is a growth from a part of the parent's body. I thought that that might be the case here, but it is not. For starters, it seems too coincidental for such a growth to occur in the stomach as it has with Sasuke-sama. Next I thought, well perhaps it is still asexual, just through the process of parthenogenesis. Parthenogenesis," the doctor quickly explained before Sasuke had the chance to ask, "is when a female's egg grows to maturity without proper fertilization. However, Sasuke-sama, under further inspection, is not really a female, and has no more eggs."

"Of course he's not a female!" Karin interjected. The doctor looked at everyone, especially Sasuke, nervously.

"We-well, yes, he has the male reproductive organs, but he is sterile. And while he has the male reproductive organs, Sasuke also has a uterus and other female reproductive organs."

"What?" Sasuke asked, looking at the man in disbelief. The doctor swallowed.

"I'm afraid to inform you, Sasuke-sama, that you are unable to produce sperm properly due to your current condition and your pregnancy, which is slowly making your body naturally produce prolactin due to the developing fetus. The prolactin is killing any small amount of sperm your condition might produce by preparing your body to produce breast milk when the time comes."

"I understand that I am pregnant, but what exactly do you mean by my 'condition'?"

"You have Klinefelter's syndrome," the doctor explained quietly.

"What the hell does that mean?" Sasuke demanded.

"Most humans have 46 chromosomes. Chromosomes determine specific characteristics. Two of these chromosomes determine if a human will be male or female. Specifically, chromosomes number 45 and 46 determine the sex of every individual. As an egg always carries an X chromosome, each human has at least one X chromosome. The male's sperm carries two different types: either an X or a Y chromosome. Two X chromosomes make a female. An X and a Y chromosome make a male. However, in some cases, some people develop an extra chromosome. You are one of them. Instead of 46 chromosomes, you have 47, which makes your gender chromosome make-up XXY."

"What are the odds of that?" Juugo asked with a shake of his head.

"1 in 500. It's actually not that uncommon."

"That was a rhetorical question," Juugo said, but was impressed nonetheless that the doctor knew.

"Wait a second. I think I've heard of this disease before, but I don't remember ever hearing of anyone ever having a uterus before," Suigetsu interjected.

"Ah, yes. I was getting to that. Normally most males show very few outward signs of having this condition, though with Sasuke's slightly feminine appearance, it's most likely influenced by his Klinefelter's syndrome. If you have a brother, than perhaps you may have noted you look a bit more effeminate than he does?"

No one bothered to answer him, and the look from Sasuke upon mentioning a brother made the doctor shut up and move on in his explanation.

"Other than sterility, there are very few other side effects. However, it appears that Sasuke's body was manipulated in such a way to play on the fact that he had the two X chromosomes, and was able to adjust his body to naturally further develop his uterus. It appears that during his developing stages in his own mother's uterus, Sasuke's body underdeveloped the female reproductive organs. The male organs developed more prominently which is why he is a male and not a female. It appears that sometime recently, with further stimulation from an outside source, his uterus has been manipulated to partial working order. Now, this still does not explain how he got pregnant as there needs to be a means for the sperm to enter and impregnate the egg. I will need to do more testing to be able to figure out where the sperm entered, as well as to answer if he is able to develop more eggs, but I cannot do that now as it may harm the fetus."

"Yeah, but where did the other male's DNA come from?" Suigetsu asked, grinning wickedly.

"Yes, Sasuke-sama, I wondered if I could ask you about who the other-"

"Everyone else, out," Sasuke hissed. No one bothered to disobey him as they rushed for the door.

Once outside in the waiting room, Juugo put a comforting hand on Karin's shoulder. She seemed to be in shock.

"Well, at least we know a more possible explanation of why Orochimaru did what he did," Suigetsu said thoughtfully.

"What do you mean?" Juugo asked as Karin was still in too much shock to make a biting retort to counter Suigetsu's comment.

"Sasuke was sterile so they had to find another way to get him to make little Uchiha babies." At this declaration, Karin began sobbing hysterically and ran into the waiting room's bathroom. "What the hell is wrong with her?"

"Her dream to be the mother of Sasuke's children was just crushed," Juugo said with a roll of his eyes. Suigetsu snorted a laugh.

"I always knew Sasuke was self-sufficient, but I never realized just how much before."

**Next Chapter: And The Father Is…**

* * *

Just as a side note: men _really_ can produce breast milk if given the right hormone (or in the rare case that their body produces it). The only problem with that is that the hormone that allows men (and women of course) to produce breast milk, prolactin, also causes men's sperm to become sterile. In fact, when a man produces prolactin, it's an indicator to the doctor that he is sterile.

So, if there are any guys out there that want to become sterile and produce breast milk, just ask for a shot of a hormone booster of prolactin!

What did you think? ~ Jelp


	4. Chapter 4: And the Father Is

**Warnings:** Yaoi, Anal, Oral, Mpreg – and a mesh of medical yet somehow totally off-the-wall way to explain mpreg. Please note that the medical portion of the explanation _will_ go over your head if you didn't do well in (or never took) basic Biology. You've been warned.

This fic dedicated to michelerene/lexjamandme.

Special thanks to Master of the Rebels for beta'ing this chapter!

**Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!**

**Chapter 4: And The Father Is...**

The doctor sat, looking at Sasuke with an incredulous look on his face.

"Not to pry into your personal life, but there was another male involved, correct?"

"Yes."

The doctor fidgeted, looking extremely uncomfortable with the way that Sasuke was glaring at him.

"It's just that, well, it seems that the only way that you could have gotten pregnant is if the other male were to have ejaculated onto your stomach." Sasuke looked off to the side for a moment.

"Suigetsu, the foulmouthed man who was just in here, initially thought that too. He said that he overheard the person doing experimentations on me say something along the lines of getting pregnant through the belly button. Now I know that it shouldn't be possible for men to get pregnant, but shouldn't it be even more impossible to get pregnant via the _fucking_ belly button?" Sasuke demanded.

"That is what is very interesting about your condition. Normally the uterus and other female parts would be located closer to your pelvic bone, that is, if you were a female. However, since you are a male but have both the female and male reproductive organs, the male organs pushed the female organs up closer to your naval. Are you aware that you have had surgery around your naval area?"

"No."

"I didn't think so, considering how you said 'experimentations.' If I may?" the doctor asked Sasuke, looking for permission to re-examine the portion of skin around his belly button.

Sasuke looked down at his stomach, frowning as he realized it looked slightly more swollen than he was used to it looking. He wondered if that was just his imagination, but if he really was pregnant and Naruto was the father, then they had had sex over three months ago. It would make sense for a little roundness to show as far as he knew.

The doctor, with cold hands as most doctors have, gently dragged his finger right underneath the belly button.

"The workings of a normal female body would produce eggs from their ovaries every month or so. One of your ovaries seems to have never developed, and the other one seems to be extremely small. Again, this goes along with what I said about you being male instead of female. The male organs developed completely, but the female organs were only partially formed, which is rare in and of itself."

"Then why am I pregnant?"

"Ah, yes, well, the uterus was fully produced. However, it seems that the fallopian tube leading to your remaining ovary has been closed off, meaning there's no way that you can retrieve any working eggs from that ovary without further surgery. However, what is extremely fascinating is that the remaining fallopian tube whose ovary never developed has been shifted in your lower abdomen. During a postpartum tubal ligation, a doctor would make an incision site right here," the doctor said, trailing off as he ran his finger right where he had indicated Sasuke having had a cut.

"What's a postpartum tubal ligation?" Sasuke asked, frowning since he didn't recognize the term.

"A postpartum tubal ligation is where a doctor cuts below the navel to pull out a woman's fallopian tube, giving it a little snip so that way the woman can no longer bear children. Now, in your case, it was not to prevent you from having a child, but to _help_ you have a child. However, due to the location of the incision and the way the other tube was set up shows it was a onetime shot. Sperm is not able to live without the proper environment for more than a few seconds. Usually the woman's vagina will keep most sperm alive. However, in your case, someone made it so that a penis would have to rest directly over your naval.

"There's a small hole on the inside of your belly button that leads to your cut up fallopian tube. Now, I can only give you speculations because I've never seen anything like this before, but it appears that a single egg was placed at the top of this cut up fallopian tube. The sperm was able to travel directly to the egg, giving the egg a better chance to get fertilized. It's likely that a chakra seal was set off to help keep sperm alive longer from the initial spot, to when it pooled in your belly button, to the time it went down the hole to the fallopian tube and then into your uterus. Actually, there're some complications with your pregnancy. It didn't go into your uterus as it should have. It's stuck in the lower portion of the fallopian tube. We'll have to monitor the child's growth so that way it doesn't damage your body."

"What will happen to the rest of my body?"

"I don't know. To be honest, there's a twenty percent chance you will not survive this pregnancy. You'll have to closely monitor everything that goes on with your body."

"A cesarean section birth."

"Unless you want to shove it through your penis, then naturally."

"No."

"Now, I am curious as to how you managed to get pregnant in the first place. How did you -"

"Those details are unnecessary. I'm leaving."

"But-"

Sasuke walked through the door and went to meet his team. Behind him, the doctor was making a strange, indignant, squawking sound at Sasuke's abrupt departure.

"We're moving out."

"We're leaving?" Suigetsu asked.

"Do you have a problem with that?" Sasuke snapped.

"Don't you need to be kept under supervision or something? Guys don't get-"

"I do, and I am not staying here. We're going to keep doing freelance missions."

"But, the baby-" Karin started. Sasuke glared darkly at her, but didn't comment as he walked by her and out of the clinic.

"We have to deal with a hormonal Sasuke now? Great. Just great. I think Orochimaru made is so that Sasuke could get pregnant so he would torment the rest of the world with pregnant mood-swings," Suigetsu grumbled.

"If we survive six months of him like this, we should get a reward or something," Juugo agreed.

"Unless we leave now," Suigetsu said thoughtfully, following Sasuke out through the door.

"I won't leave Sasuke! He's in desperate need of help right now. Who will mother the child? He probably doesn't even know how to take care of a baby. I'll make sure he knows everything about being a good parent by the time the little one comes along. I'll be the perfect mother," Karin said, a newfound determination with her new objective.

"I think I'm going to come along to make sure that Sasuke doesn't kill Karin in frustration – and so Karin doesn't kill the baby with her ideas of what she thinks good parenting skills are," Juugo noted thoughtfully.

"You know, I can't wait to see what happens in six months. This should be interesting."

* * *

_Present time_

"But...that can't be. It just...I mean...if the baby is mine, then that would mean-"

Naruto paused, looking rather miffed.

"Who did you have sex with? And how could you have thought that you were pregnant when it was clearly the woman that you slept with?!"

"I...it...I need some time," Naruto said, clutching the little one closer to him, Naruto's eyes looking down at the baby incredulously. The baby had a little fuzz for hair, but it was difficult to figure out its coloring. The baby had large, blue-gray eyes, staring up at Naruto expectantly as he continued to suck away on the bottle Naruto held for him.

"Naruto -"

"The baby can't be mine," Naruto said firmly. Tsunade shook her head.

"His facial structure looks just like yours. He has your nose, your eye shape, your cheek bone structure. The chin looks familiar too, but not quite like yours. He's got blue-gray eyes, and if I'm not mistaken, didn't your-"

"Yeah, my father had blue-gray eyes. I got my blue eyes from my mom. But that doesn't mean anything. His eye color could match the mother."

"When you came to me over half a year ago, you thought that you were pregnant. Now, I don't know why you would have thought you were pregnant unless you had had sex with someone. Why didn't you think that she-"

"I didn't have sex with a woman."

Even though Naruto's words were quiet, so timid and unlike Naruto's usually boisterous self, the weight of his words seemed to have resonated loudly throughout his entire apartment. The little sucking noises from the baby seemed to emphasize Naruto's words.

"I...I thought you were...you liked Sakura..." Tsunade said, clearly in disbelief.

"I don't want to talk about this."

"Naruto, you need talk about this now. If you're certain that you're not the father, than we need to figure out who is. You need to tell me about your experience. This person that you slept with might have been in a genjutsu, and when you entered-"

"No. No. It was not a genjutsu. I'm sure of it. And, well, I thought I was pregnant because," Naruto's face had turned bright red, and the next words came out in a rush, "hewasinmenotmeinhim."

Tsunade's face turned a similar shade of red, not really wanting to know the details, and feeling rather embarrassed that he'd shared them with her. Normally doctors heard all sorts of personal things from their patients, but hearing that from Naruto was still a little awkward.

She had wanted to know the details. Now that she did, she wished she had kept her mouth shut. Then again, her curiosity at the situation outweighed the awkwardness.

"Ah. That's why you thought you were pregnant because you assumed that by him entering you that that might have gotten you pregnant."

"Right. But I didn't, so the baby's not mine."

"Unless he conceived the baby."

The baby's sucking noises punctured the silence.

"You told me for weeks guys can't get pregnant!" Naruto screeched out.

"Stranger things have happened."

Naruto just gaped at Tsunade, angry that she hadn't believed him when he had told her that he thought he was pregnant.

"But – but you didn't believe me when I said I was!"

"Well you weren't pregnant, now were you? I was right. You weren't pregnant. Now this mystery lover of yours, dare I ask who he was?" Tsunade asked.

There was something in the way that Naruto had seemed so incredulous about the baby's existence that had made her wonder about the mother – or perhaps other father. A twisting feeling had knotted in Tsunade's gut, and another glance at the child had made her think of only one male that Naruto cared about and would want to have sex with.

But Tsunade hoped her strange gut reaction was wrong.

"The baby is also Sasuke's, isn't he?"

"Sasuke's a guy. Guys don't get pregnant. The baby's not mine," Naruto said, his voice cold, emotionless. Even so, with the way that he refused to meet her gaze by instead looking down at the little baby in his arms made Tsunade recall the other thought that Sakura had had: that Naruto might be having sympathy pains because he desired a family.

So many lives had been lost with Akatsuki's downfall, so many close friends of Naruto's had died that it was understandable that Naruto would want to create a family of his own, more friends, and more precious people.

Tsunade hoped, for Naruto's sake, that Sasuke had some freak power that let him become pregnant, and that he'd return and be with them both.

"If the baby was Sasuke's, why would he give him to me? Why wouldn't he want to keep the baby? I mean, it's clear he cared. Look at all this stuff!" Naruto said.

Tsunade nodded. It was strange. Very strange.

"Sasuke does know you, and that you would need help. For instance, he gave you the instruction manual. He knows you very well indeed."

Naruto nodded, before her words registered.

"Hey! Are you implying I don't know how to take care of a baby?" Naruto all but screeched out.

"Do you?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Exactly. He knows you very well."

"We don't know that it was Sasuke!"

"And who else would it be?"

"...Sai?"

"You slept with Sai too?"

"No! But, I mean, he draws really well, and the baby-"

"The baby is not a drawing! This is not a genjutsu. I can prove this isn't a dream by punching you in the face if you need more encouragement to realize this is reality!"

"No, no. I believe you," Naruto said in a small voice.

"What do you plan to do now?" Tsunade asked.

Naruto looked at the baby in his arms curiously. He had a baby in his arms that through a weird series of events might actually be his son.

He might actually have fathered this little guy.

It was one of the weirdest feelings.

He'd thought he was pregnant and had been excited about it. This situation felt totally different. Having a baby thrown at him like this was just scary.

What to do? What to do...

What did he want to do?

"I guess I plan on being a father."

**Next Chapter: Baby Woes**

* * *

I live!! Yes, sorry about the lack of updates. My computer got infected with the conficker virus. Whoever created the virus…I hope your computer crashes you – you – ::insert some wonderfully foul term here::! It screwed up my computer for almost an entire month.

I finally had to wipe my computer of everything on it. :( Good thing my fics were on my flash drive.

Anyway, let me know what you thought! ~ Jelp


	5. Chapter 5: Baby Woes

I don't own Naruto – the splendid Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto and Sasuke (and everyone else from this fandom).

Dedicated to the wonderful michelerene/lexjamandme, beta'd by the extraordinary Master of the Rebels.

**Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!**

**Chapter 5: Baby Woes**

"He really does look like you," Sai said, a tilt to his head as he examined the baby. Naruto ignored Sai as he scratched his head, listening to Sakura's further instruction.

"You need to make sure his head is higher than the fold of the blanket, lined up with his shoulder. It will keep his face out of the folds when you wrap him, and it gives support to his head. He will not be able to support his head until he is about two months old. Okay, now gently put his hand against his chest, like this, and then pull that same side of the blanket across, like so."

Naruto followed Sakura's instructions as told.

"Now, you need to roll him over slightly so you can wrap that corner underneath him to get a nice, secure fix on him. No, no, not like that. Make sure it's tucked under his _bottom_, not his back."

"Like, like this?" Naruto asked, almost in a sweat.

Sai blinked, watching the two with confusion, not at all following what Sakura was trying to explain to Naruto. He hoped Naruto was doing it right, whatever it was that he was doing.

"Yes, perfect. Now, take the bottom part and pull it up close to his chest and tuck the excess part underneath that part, like this, over his other hand."

Sai tilted his head to the other side to see if that angle would make more sense, but he was still at a loss as to what the two of them were trying to accomplish.

"Take the last corner and fold it down so that it makes a "V" at his chest. Then use the rest of the cloth to cross over his body, bring it around across his shoulder, and then tuck the rest in that little fold there," Sakura finished her instructions kindly.

"That is the stupidest looking diaper I have ever seen. It looks more like a straight jacket," Sai observed tactlessly.

"It's not a diaper, you idiot!" Naruto snapped.

"This is called swaddling. Wrapping a baby like this makes it feel more secure," Sakura said matter-of-factly.

"The exact instructions weren't in the baby manual," Naruto noted. "Diaper instructions were. I've already changed him four times," Naruto said proudly.

"Technically he changed him four times but has used a total of six diapers because two of the times he had to redo the whole thing," Sakura added. Naruto muttered something darkly but didn't deny it.

Sai merely looked bemused.

"Really, overall you are doing well with taking care of him, Naruto," Sakura said proudly. Naruto smiled at her gratefully.

"Are you going to keep referring to him as 'him?' Doesn't he have a name?" Sai asked. "You know, something like Naruto junior? Or Sasuke junior?"

Naruto spluttered an unconvincing denial.

"Naruto, it's rather obvious, even if it's bizarre," Sakura said lightly, not quite looking at Naruto. Naruto threw his hands in the air.

"How come you didn't believe me when I said I was pregnant, but you're accepting that Sasuke could have given birth?" Naruto demanded.

"Because you _weren't _pregnant, and he's living proof of what happened," Sakura said as she stroked the baby's head affectionately.

"You sound almost like Tsunade," Naruto grumbled as he held his son gently, cushioned and cradled securely in his swaddle cloth.

"His name?" Sai prompted.

"What about Chihiro, good fortune?" Sakura said.

"Fortunate to be alive, that's for sure," Sai mused.

"Chikao – clever and wise," Naruto mused.

"But if he's Naruto's child, he's not always wise..."

"Hey!"

"Keitaro, blessed," Sakura suggested.

"He'd get beat up for that name."

"Well, what about Makoto: good."

"_Really_ beaten up."

"Sounds like Sasuke's Mom's name, Mikoto..." Naruto added, bemused.

"Mamoru – to protect."

"I knew this guy involved with a rough group of sailors named Mamoru. I don't think I want him named after that guy."

"What about Naoko? Straight and honest?"

"Well, his origins came about more curved than straight, considering his parentage..."

"Shut up, Sai!"

"Er, Raiden?"

"Like the thunder god?"

"He will surely cause a lot of noise around here, I can tell you that. Maybe better not to encourage him before he's even old enough to know better."

"Osamu? Discipline? Studious?"

"Sounds too political for some reason..."

"Taro – first son."

"More like only son from these fathers."

"Torao. Tiger?"

"Wrong year for it."

"Yasahiro – peaceful, calm and wise."

"Yeah, right. No for the same reason Chikao should be discarded."

"What about Yoshi? Always calling him quiet and tranquil might wear off on his personality."

"I don't want him to be all angst-ridden, brooding, and quiet like Sasuke."

"True..."

"Ichigo?"

"First son was already ruled out, and now you want to add insult to injury by calling him a name that also means strawberry?"

"Fine, fine."

"Haruka? If we're going for names that mean tranquil, that's a nice one."

"I also know a girl by that name. My son is a man."

"Yeah, but you like boys, so maybe it will attract the other guys."

"Shut UP, Sai."

"Isoroku?"

"I never got that name. Why name a child fifty-six? That must have been for an Emperor with too many concubines that ran out of names at child number fifty-six."

"Eiichi? Prosperous one?"

"Sounds too much like Ecchi. Naruto might be a pervert, but I hope this little one won't be."

"Wishful thinking Sakura."

"Not if I have anything to say about it," she said, flexing her fist threateningly.

"Ah, right. Not Eiichi."

"Ringo?"

"I don't like apples."

"Kinda makes me think of drumming for some reason too."

"I always wondered about Sasuke's name. It's rather unusual. Sa and suke. Help and help. Maybe he needs double the help of everyone else?"

"Really?" Sai mused. "Made me think of Sasu – uke." Sakura's punch to his face quieted further comment.

"What about Kamenosuke?" Sai mumbled, looking at Sakura warily.

"Are you calling Sasuke a turtle?" Naruto demanded.

"Well, just because it means turtle helper..."

"Sai, just drop it now," Sakura snipped out, flexing her fist again.

"Yuudai. A great hero!" Naruto said excitedly.

"Reminds me of you dying for some reason..."

"What about...Masashi?" Naruto said, slowly.

"Elegant? Splendid?" Sai piped out.

"I like it," Sakura said, her face brightening.

"Masashi it is then," Naruto said fondly.

He held Masashi securely in his arms, rocking him back and forth gently. Naruto smiled down at his son, grateful to have a name to call him by.

Somehow, naming him had made the entire situation more real and more important to Naruto.

"What are you going to do when people ask who the mother is?" Sai asked slowly. Naruto glanced at him and saw Sai holding a small book off to the side titled "Parenthood: The Joy of Life." Sai had asked to borrow the baby manual, but Naruto refused on the principal that he really, really needed it still.

"Uh, isn't there a chapter in there about it?" Naruto asked hopefully. Sai thumbed through the pages.

"No. This is about after the baby is born. There was a book called 'What to Expect When You're Expecting,' but I didn't get that one since you're not pregnant. That book might have an idea on how to tell the father, but nothing about what to do if the mother drops the baby on your doorstep. And I'm pretty sure there's nothing about how to tell your friends your baby's mother has a penis. Unless of course, Sasuke has a vagina?" Sai asked.

Naruto blushed crimson.

"No, he definitely has one. And – and you shouldn't talk about such things in front of my baby!" Naruto said, whisper-yelling as he protectively held Masashi closer.

"He's a baby. He can't understand it," Sai reasoned. He looked like he was going to argue the point further when he noticed how Naruto shifted his eyes to look at Sakura, and Sai understood; Naruto did realize that, but he was trying to lessen whatever hurt this may be causing Sakura.

It was no secret she had had a crush on Sasuke for years.

It was also no secret she had been falling in love with Naruto for a while now.

"Sakura, about Sasuke and me..." Naruto started, as Sai looked away awkwardly.

Sakura placed her hand gently on Naruto's, looking at him kindly. Even so, her eyes seemed to be tearing up as she spoke.

"I've wondered for a while now about you two. I mean, it just kind of makes sense. And I'm really, really happy for you. If it's not me, I'm glad it's you," Sakura said, honestly.

"It's, I mean, I don't even know what, just the one time-"

"Naruto, it's okay," Sakura said, and she gave him a half-armed hug.

Masashi let out a little cooing noise.

"And you're probably getting hungry! Let's grab you another bottle," Sakura said cheerfully, all but snatching Masashi from Naruto's arms.

Naruto watched as Sakura maneuvered Masashi around the kitchen, expertly looking through the hordes of supplies to get what she needed.

"You know, I think she really is happy for you," Sai noted thoughtfully. Naruto turned to look at him, looking a little helpless.

"Yeah, but..." Naruto started, trailing off. He didn't need to finish; Sai understood. Naruto still felt slightly guilty.

Sai smiled at him genuinely.

"You should tell her how you and Sasuke made the baby." Sakura dropped something in the kitchen as a look of mortification came over Naruto's features. "I'm sure those details would make her extremely happy!"

"Wha-what?!" Naruto spluttered.

"After all, it's no longer a secret that Sakura is a boy on boy fangirl pervert."

"I HEARD THAT, SAI!"

* * *

_One and a half months previous..._

Suigetsu, Juugo, and Karin looked in front of them, noticing how Sasuke seemed to be trying to keep up the pace rather than pushing them farther and harder as he used to.

They had completed a freelance mission at one village and were on their way to the next, small village, noting as the path got higher and higher how Sasuke seemed to be slowing down slightly.

"Maybe we should stop doing freelance missions for a while," Juugo said thoughtfully. Sasuke glared at him.

Juugo, Suigetsu, and Karin had been suggesting something like that for weeks now, and each time it was clearly obvious that it was for Sasuke's benefit.

So far he hadn't been swayed.

Over the past four and a half months since Sasuke had seen the doctor and found out for sure that yes, he was in fact a pregnant man: the strange and obvious signs of the pregnancy had become evident. Sasuke kept up a constant genjutsu. At first, it was to hide that he was pregnant, looking like his usual self except with a flatter stomach.

Now he held a modified genjutsu to make his body look larger, more gruff, to hide the bulge of his pregnant stomach. It made him look like a fat, though strong, man.

Suigetsu stated that Sasuke should have done it sooner. He looked less attractive as a slightly fat man, and Karin seemed to fangirl over him less.

Karin claimed she would love/care for Sasuke no matter what he looked like.

Juugo wisely stayed out of the discussion.

"Fine," Sasuke snapped irritably, "if only to quit hearing you all complain."

"I still think Orochimaru made Sasuke pregnant to torment the rest of us with his mood swings," Suigetsu grumbled, but immediately wished he hadn't spoken.

Sasuke's hand clutched around his throat, cutting off his ability to speak.

"Your comments are not appreciated," Sasuke's low voice growled out before giving an extra hard squeeze to Suigetsu's throat and letting him collapse to the ground.

Sasuke walked away along the path, leaving Karin, Suigetsu, and Juugo to look after him. They would catch up easily, and no one wanted to be around him at the moment.

"Really, Sui, this isn't funny," Juugo said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"He just grabbed my throat and tried to squeeze the life out of me! And no one asks if I'm okay?" he asked slightly pained.

"One, you really should be keeping your comments to yourself; two, you're still talking, so clearly your windpipes are still unfortunately working just fine; and three, pregnant or not, if Sasuke-kun had really wanted to squeeze the life out of you, he would have already," Karin pointed out.

"But I'm worried about him!" Suigetsu said defensively.

"We all are. But Sasuke has never accepted anyone's help easily, and I doubt he will start now. In fact, it's probably harder for him now because despite his cold front, he's probably scared about what's going on. Sasuke and pregnancy do not mix," Juugo said knowingly.

"Then why the hell is he keeping the little brat?" Suigetsu wondered, honestly confused.

"His family was wiped out. Do you think he would willingly destroy anything left of any family connections he can have? I mean, it seems obvious that he won't be able to sire children any other way now since his sperm doesn't work," Juugo said thoughtfully.

"Not quite. I've done some research about Klinefelter's syndrome. There are cases where men can actually still produce sperm. Usually given the right amount of hormones, they can still become fathers," Karin said, with a slight blush.

"Still holding out to be Mrs. Uchiha Sasuke?" Juugo asked, with a smirk. Karin blushed a deeper shade of red.

"Have you told Sasuke-snookems this?"

"Do you like being choked?" Sasuke asked, coming up behind Suigetsu, making him jump. Juugo and Karin likewise stiffened at Sasuke's sudden appearance.

"N-no."

"To answer your crudely put question, no, she has not told me this, but I have done my own research. As to why I'm keeping the baby, it is mine," Sasuke said calmly. "You three need to quit your gossiping. We need to keep moving. There's a Thunder Nin group up ahead," Sasuke warned.

They all nodded. A few months ago, Sasuke would have urged them to confront the other ninja group. Obviously he was getting more concerned with how his condition affected his abilities.

By the time they had evaded the other group, Sasuke was panting heavily without having used any overly strenuous jutsu.

They made camp, everyone concerned about Sasuke. Night fell with hardly anything spoken between them, until Suigetsu decided to open his big mouth.

"Are you keeping the baby because of its father?" he asked. Sasuke's face went stony.

If there was anything that seemed to irk Sasuke more than their apparent concern over Sasuke's deteriorating skills, it was talking about the father.

"The baby's father was a fool ruled by his emotions," Sasuke snapped.

"Like you?" Suigetsu countered. Sasuke glared at him, but Suigetsu continued. "You've always been ruled by your emotions, even when you pretend to be all stoic and shit. When our group formed, you were hell bent on killing Itachi. You were emotionally _destroyed_. Then things developed further and you were ruled again by a different set of revenge. You are a hypocrite who hates to care about people because you say it makes you weak, but the truth is you hate to care about people because you're so fucking scared to lose them!"

Sasuke said nothing.

"Even when you're brooding and mad at us, you've never told us to leave. You don't want us to because you're scared of losing us too. You can walk away because you can control if you leave, but you can't control if we leave or not," Suigetsu said, crossing his arms.

Karin and Juugo watched the exchange with bated breath.

"I don't know how I feel about the baby's father," Sasuke murmured, surprising his three teammates by actually answering Suigetsu's earlier question.

"Then how the hell did you two end up, you know, doing it?" Suigetsu asked.

"That," Sasuke said as he got up, walking over to his bedroll and settling down for the night, "is none of your business."

The only sound heard at the campsite was the fire's crackling. No one made a sound the rest of the night until Juugo's quiet snoring finally joined the crackling of the fire.

Despite the quiet, Sasuke laid awake, thinking about how Naruto had gotten him pregnant. Finally, he gave a snort of derision at his thoughts, turned over, and went to sleep, a soft smile on his lips.

**Next Chapter: Baby Making**

* * *

How did angst sneak its way in here? Gah. Sorry.

But, yes, up next: Sasuke and Naruto doing the horizontal tango!

If you are interested in seeing how to swaddle a baby or for the list of Japanese boy's names, leave me a message, and I will send you links. ~ Jelp


	6. Chapter 6: Baby Making

Dedicated to lexjamandme/michelerene! (Chapter is not beta'd) Enjoy!

**Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!**

**Chapter 6: Baby Making**

_Nine Months Earlier..._

Sasuke couldn't say that he was surprised at his current predicament.

He was tired, and so therefore it seemed the world tended to conspire against him when he wanted to get a good night's sleep. It was probably close to three in the morning, meaning that it had been Suigetsu's shift on watch.

Sasuke idly noted that if Karin had been on shift, there was no way she would have missed the massive presence that had stealthily happened upon his room at the Inn they had stopped to rest at after completing a free lance mission.

There were so many ninja around at this Inn in Suna that Sasuke hadn't expected for anyone to make such a deliberate move against him. Hiding in plain sight had seemed a good idea at the time.

Karin had scoped it out; there were three ninja staying in the room to their right, four to the one two doors on their left and several others on other floors. If an attack were to start, it was likely that all the other ninja from various lands would get involved which was why Sasuke had assumed that no one would make a move against him. Chaos would ensure as the local and foreign ninja would try and determine who was on whose side.

Of course, that was because he had figured that no one else would recognize his group.

The idiot was truly annoying at coming after him at inopportune moments.

"If you try anything, there are eighteen other ninja in this Inn. You won't get away without getting caught – or someone getting hurt. Not to mention you'd have to leave behind your other three members," Naruto taunted.

Sasuke was rather pissed that Naruto of all people, had figured this strategy out. Not to mention the lack of aid from his team meant that Naruto had managed to immobilize them. On the other hand, it didn't appear that Naruto had any help with him. Sasuke bit back his retort to Naruto's comment and instead flashed into action.

Just as Naruto reached over Sasuke, Sasuke pulled the blonde ninja down on top of him, gripped Naruto's right wrist with his left and used his right leg to pin Naruto's left arm to his side.

"Unless I kill off the annoyance," Sasuke reasoned, using his right hand to press a kunai to Naruto's throat. His sharingan was activated and swirling, but Naruto's eyes were already clamped shut, even as he struggled against Sasuke's hold on him.

Quite frankly the pressure points he held should have immobilized Naruto's arm movement, but he seemed unfazed.

The light in the Inn was practically non existent, but Sasuke could still see the trickle of blood that dripped from the slight cut at Naruto's neck, even as the blood dropped onto the kunai, pooling there before dripping down the handle onto Sasuke's fingers.

Sasuke gasped as he felt Naruto's own kunai pressed into his inner thigh below his balls. The cold metal tip made Sasuke realize there were quite a few sensitive nerves located at the thigh and groin juncture.

Naruto must have already had the damn weapon in his hand when Sasuke had used his leg to pin Naruto's arm to his side.

Both men stilled as Sasuke pressed his kunai deeper into Naruto's neck while Naruto's cut into the soft skin at the inner part of Sasuke's leg.

"I can feel your chakra spiked with the sharingan. I'll open my eyes once you deactivate it," Naruto said. Sasuke could feel the vibrations of Naruto's voice through his grip on the kunai.

"And then what, we talk?" Sasuke sneered. Even so he deactivated his sharingan. Naruto didn't let up on the pressure against Sasuke's inner leg, and Sasuke kept the pressure constant at Naruto's throat. He did his best to keep the same hold on the kunai, but the blood made it slippery in his hand.

When Naruto's eyes opened, they were a strange shape; neither his electric blue nor the crimson red of the Kyuubi, but rather a dull red-orange. It seemed Naruto was using that other, strange sage chakra.

"You're not a missing-nin anymore. The help you gave against-"

"I'm not coming back to Konoha," Sasuke interrupted.

"Why the fuck not?! The people in charge now are not your enemies, Sasuke! You can do more training at Konoha than on your own. We're your friends!" Naruto pleaded with a hint of desperation in his voice.

"Friends hold kunai blades to their friend's private area?" Sasuke shot. Instead of sounding indignant, Naruto actually snickered.

"Did you just say 'private area'? I thought you graduated from the Academy. It's called a penis and your balls. Not that you would know; you don't know how to use yours," Naruto chuckled.

Sasuke bristled.

"_Excuse me?_"

"Oh come on," Naruto said, his voice lighter as though the kunai wasn't still pressing tightly to his throat, "you've never had any interest in anyone who was interested in you. You're clearly still a virgin."

"And you're not?" Sasuke countered. He hated how easily Naruto could get him to banter about the stupidest things.

"Nope."

"I don't believe you. No one is that stupid," Sasuke said. A part of him couldn't believe that he and Naruto were actually having such a ridiculous conversation; but it was keeping Naruto distracted enough for Sasuke to come up with a plan.

He'd barely cleared his name from trackers chasing him relentlessly. It was one thing to defend oneself; it was another to have to do so all the time. There were still attempts on his life due to his past transgressions, not to mention because he hadn't returned to Konoha. Even so, he'd rather not encourage more attacks.

Killing the idiot and eighteen other unknown shinobi would not go down well.

"Who _wouldn't_ want to do me? I could have anyone I wanted!" Naruto countered which Sasuke answered with a dubious grunt.

"Doubtful."

"Well _no one_ would want to have sex with _you_," Naruto bantered.

"People have begged me. It's just no one is good enough," Sasuke said.

"I'm good enough!" Naruto burst out, but then quickly realized what he said, "But I would never want to have sex with you," he clarified.

"You're nothing near good enough, _and_ you're a guy."

"See? You know nothing about sex. Guys can have sex too. You'd probably be better off with a guy as you'd make a girl cry if you tried."

"I would not, and I doubt you know how two guys have sex any better than I do."

"HA! You don't know! You just admitted it! And it so happens that I do know!"

"Again, doubtful. But by all means go ahead and _try_ to prove it."

"What?! No way!"

"You can't because you don't know how."

"I-I do too! It's just – why would I want to have sex with _you_?"

"I think you do. You're the one that said you were good enough for me to have sex with, usuratonkachi."

"You're the one who said to prove it! I think you want me to have sex with you."

"You said you could have anyone. You said you knew how it worked between guys. Obviously you don't. You can never follow through on what you say you can do."

Sasuke had planned on getting Naruto riled up enough to either get disgusted and move away from him, or make a weak attempt to actually prove his non-existent knowledge. Naruto would need to move his kunai when he attempted to change their positions, and then Sasuke would be ready for him.

Yet once again, Naruto proved his title as the number one most unpredictable ninja.

Sasuke couldn't help the mangled gasp as Naruto adjusted the kunai near his groin so that he could grip Sasuke's length, fisting him to an erection.

Naruto's thumb and forefinger held the kunai while Naruto's remaining fingers pressed Sasuke's cock against Naruto's palm. The brush of the tip of his cock against the now body-warmed kunai handle added rather than detracted to the pleasure of being jerked off.

The warmth of Naruto's hand and the feel of someone touching him so intimately left Sasuke reeling. The hand that was gripping Naruto's right wrist loosened ever so slightly while the hand that held the kunai slipped a little due to the blood. Naruto only needed a small opening. He wrenched his hand away. In a flash, the kunai at Naruto's throat went to Naruto's darting hand.

Naruto caught both of Sasuke's hands in his one, knocked the slippery kunai from his grasp, and forced the hands above his head. A string of curse words flooded from Sasuke's mouth as he twisted his hands experimentally in Naruto's grip. It was as though Naruto's strength held ten-fold of that of a normal being.

No wonder pressing against his pressure points hadn't worked earlier; it had to be due to the sage chakra Naruto had developed.

A slight, warning squeeze to his private area – or penis, since he _had_ graduated from the academy, damnit – reminded Sasuke that while one grip was just on his wrists, Naruto's other grip held onto a much more sensitive part. And Naruto's strength was pretty impressive at the moment.

While his mind whirled at to how to get out of his current situation, his body went right on ahead without him, relishing in the feel of Naruto stroking him.

Another moan escaped him. It jolted through his body as stroke after stroke seemed to pulse pleasure.

Sasuke realized he actually snarled once Naruto pulled his hand away.

Naruto slid his hand holding the kunai out from his rival's pants. He put the kunai in his mouth, holding it tightly while his free hand pulled Sasuke's pants down, and then his own.

Dark eyes widened as Naruto then began to straddle his waist, his ass hanging over Sasuke's erect dick.

"Scared?" Naruto taunted, the words jumped over the kunai still between his lips. Sasuke sneered.

"I'm not afraid of anything you think you can do. Go ahead and try."

Sasuke watched in fascination as Naruto grinned at him challengingly before using his free hand to part his own cheeks before all but thrusting down on Sasuke.

A choked cry escaped Naruto as his teeth clamped down on the kunai in his mouth.

Naruto's body stilled above him as the blonde removed the kunai from his mouth, one handed.

"That fucking hurt!" Naruto told him. Sasuke's lip curled up in disgust. It was clear from Naruto's nude form that he was not aroused or enjoying their situation.

"You did that all on your ow-own. Why kind of n-ninja can't take a bit of p-pain? And st-stop moving," Sasuke's words were jarred as Naruto moved around on him experimentally.

"It doesn't hurt, _hurt_. Not like a fist through the chest, plus my body can take a lot more damage with this type of chakra, but this is really fucking uncomfortable. Why do people like this?" Naruto asked as he moved his body around more on Sasuke. Sasuke's eyelids fluttered, almost shutting, wondering if Naruto had any idea how good it felt for him. His body jerked up in response to the pleasure and Naruto gasped.

Sasuke couldn't help but smirk.

"You don't know what you're doing. I figured this out better than you already," Sasuke said as he thrust into Naruto again, purposefully this time, causing a more pleasured reaction than Naruto had discovered on his own. Sasuke could feel the way Naruto's body parted around him, years of use of the sharingan keeping him sensitive to such details, activated or not. Not that he would have been able to see inside Naruto anyway.

"Bastard!" Naruto said as he used his knees to push up and then down, sliding easier along Sasuke's length. Sasuke grunted, but pushed back, not wanting to be outdone, watching as Naruto's flaccid cock slowly hardened.

"You have such a small dick. No wonder you didn't try and enter me," Sasuke taunted, causing Naruto's face to flush and his jerky thrusts to become harder.

"If I was fully hard and in you, you'd be split in two!" Naruto retaliated as he and Sasuke tried to out thrust and out pleasure the other.

Sasuke watched as Naruto's initially below average size did indeed seem to swell to well-striking proportions, but he would never admit that to Naruto.

It wasn't long before both of them began to sweat, their bodies becoming heavily exerted under the attempt to try and out-do and out pleasure the other.

Part of Sasuke was secretly impressed with the way Naruto was handling his dick up his ass. He was giving it to Naruto pretty hard. For complaining about it at the beginning, Naruto's leaking cock was sure telling a different story now.

Naruto's eyes avidly watched Sasuke's, and Sasuke began to feel more exposed than he could ever remember feeling.

He was inside Naruto.

Sasuke was having sex with his rival.

The thought both disturbed and excited him.

They'd both shared their first kiss together, and for some reason, it was okay with Sasuke to be sharing his first time with Naruto.

Besides, Sasuke was going to make Naruto orgasm first. He would win this little competition between them.

Wrenching his hands free, Sasuke pressed his hands on Naruto's hips.

Naruto's eyes narrowed, his hands quickly gripping Sasuke's upper arms, prepared to stop Sasuke from whatever trick he planned. Instead, Sasuke used his fingers to lightly tickle up Naruto's sides, making Naruto squirm on top of him. Sasuke let out a pleasant shudder at the feel of Naruto's body twisting around his.

He pushed Naruto's shirt up over the idiot's head, which was difficult as Naruto didn't remove his almost inhuman grip for Sasuke's upper arms.

Raising an appraising eyebrow, Sasuke noticed that Naruto wasn't the skinny kid he remembered, but rather a toned and developed man – like himself.

Smirking, Sasuke sunk his teeth into the exposed juncture at Naruto's neck and shoulder. Naruto's head shot back in pleasure as Sasuke let loose a sedative into Naruto's system.

It was a trick he'd learned from Orochimaru as the snake-nin had enjoyed using his creepy teeth and mouth to confuse and distract his opponents. Sasuke remembered none-too-fondly the way he'd been bitten to receive the curse seal.

This, though, would not place a seal on Naruto. Instead the serum would stop the flow of his enemy's chakra. It was a last ditch effort if his mouth was the only weapon left available to him, but at the moment, it would serve its purpose.

For good measure, Sasuke pressed his lips to Naruto's, forcing his tongue and more sedative into Naruto's mouth as he pushed his tongue past Naruto's lips. It felt strangely good as Naruto began sucking his tongue, and Sasuke smiled against Naruto's warm lips as more sedative poured down Naruto's throat.

Sasuke pulled back from the impromptu kiss and smirked knowingly.

As the sedative began to course through Naruto, Sasuke watched the realization dawn on Naruto's face of what had happened. Naruto's look of contempt for Sasuke's under-handed tactic darkened across Naruto's face as he could clearly feel the sluggishness of his joints begin to over take him, his muscles going loose and languid.

Cursing at Sasuke, Naruto used his remaining strength to force him back to the bed, and tried to pull away from him. He moved the kunai in his hand toward Sasuke threateningly, but Sasuke caught his wrist easily. Naruto's eyes flickered to their normal blue. Sasuke kept his one hand on Naruto's hip, and used his grasp on Naruto's wrist to pull him closer as he continued to thrust upward. Naruto's cock brushed against Sasuke's silky smooth stomach, and they both moaned at the feeling.

The new angle and the almost sensual feel of his body loosening made Naruto go over the edge. His head shot back as he began to thrust his cock erratically against Sasuke's toned stomach.

As Naruto's body tightened, and the thrill and excitement of getting Naruto off first pushed Sasuke over the edge as he too let loose his own orgasm.

They panted and thrust into and against the other.

Even as they did so, they could both feel Naruto's grip becoming looser as he fought submitting to the sedative. Naruto's body shook with tremors, and the kunai slipped easily from his grasp.

"I – I _hate_ you," Naruto snarled as his eyes slipped shut, and his body slumped to dead weight on top of Sasuke's.

But instead of feeling warm from Naruto's sweaty body, Sasuke felt a cold pain stinging his chest at Naruto's words.

The venom and anger in them surprised Sasuke.

Ever since Sasuke had left, Naruto had always come after him. Naruto had never given up on him. Sasuke had tried so hard to rid himself of Naruto's annoying presence.

To hear Naruto's hate-filled confession hurt Sasuke more than he wanted to admit.

Naruto had been his most important person at one time. Searching his thoughts, while collecting his breath, Sasuke wondered who that was now. He had his teammates. Juugo admired and looked up to him. Suigetsu was an annoying man that was admittedly useful. Karin was beyond annoying, but he relied heavily on her chakra reading talents.

Yet none of them challenged him. None of them was a truly worthy opponent for his skills.

His mouth seemed suddenly dry as he tried to swallow the unexplained lump that had formed in his throat. He cherished their companionship, but they didn't push him like Naruto had.

They didn't get to him the way Naruto did.

It was hard to admit to himself that the person he still considered closest to him, had told him he hated him.

Sasuke schooled his face and pushed Naruto's limp form off of him onto the bed.

Naruto was just being his usual idiot self. The blond moron couldn't hold a grudge if his life depended on it. The idiot forgave too easily. His words were petty. He didn't mean them.

Sasuke used the bed sheet to wipe the cum dripping from his still leaking cock, and brushed the globs of Naruto's cum from across his stomach.

He'd lost his virginity to Naruto…who was still his most precious person.

He waited to feel something at that thought, but all he could feel was a slight hurt that Naruto had said that he hated him.

Quickly dressing and pushing the thoughts from his mind, Sasuke found his teammates unconscious outside the door to his room. Putting his fingers to the bridge of his nose, he exhaled his frustration. Grabbing three soldier pills from his pouch he popped them into his team members' mouths.

They came to consciousness looking groggy and disoriented.

"Where is that stupid-?"

"I've taken care of him, let's go," Sasuke said and began walking. Karin groaned slightly as Juugo helped her up, and they began to walk after Sasuke.

"Sasuke-kun! That cheeky little blonde ninja is still in the -"

"We're leaving," Sasuke said. He marched out of the inn, refusing to look back.

* * *

When Naruto awoke, he knew right away he was alone.

He could feel his body ache, not to mention a strange stickiness in his ass and on his cock.

What had he been thinking?

The answer was easy; he hadn't been.

Sasuke made it difficult for him to think rationally.

He'd been in Suna on a well deserved break. Recognizing Sasuke's presence, he hadn't even thought to wait for help or to get some of his Sand friends to aid him.

Instead he'd stupidly acted on his own. Why did Sasuke make all reason leave his brain?

Now he felt used, dirty, and abandoned: abandoned _again_.

He truly did hate Sasuke. He hated how Sasuke was such a bastard. He hated how Sasuke didn't care what happened to him. He hated how obsessed he was with Sasuke.

Most of all, he hated wondering if he was in love with said bastard.

**Next Chapter: Parenting 101

* * *

**

Just in case you wondered, yes, I am assuming Sasuke turns good at some point but left after aiding Konoha. That's all just speculation though. Anyway, hope you liked it! ~ Jelp


	7. Chapter 7: Parenting 101

**Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!**

**Chapter 7: Parenting 101**

Naruto sat with Masashi on his lap, looking at him in wonder. Now that Sai and Sakura had left, he was left to deal with his son by himself.

_ His son._

Naruto took a deep breath and exhaled, his eyes glued to the face of his son. It would take some time to get used to the idea of being a father. Currently Masashi was sleeping peacefully on his lap, and Naruto didn't want to move in fear of waking Masashi up. Babies slept a lot; it was one of the things that had been mentioned in the baby manual. He was also loathe to move because he didn't like the thought of waking Masashi and making him cry. There were things he needed to do, but Masashi took priority now. It was one of only many things he would have to figure out with Masashi now in his life.

Obviously his life was about to change a lot. He would no longer be able to go on missions without first making sure Masashi had someone to take care of him. Idly he wondered if part of the reason Sasuke gave Masashi to him was because the baby would be too much of a burden traveling. He hoped whatever reason Sasuke had for giving him up it had been a hard decision for the bastard. If he had just come back with Masashi, they could have been able to work out a schedule _together_ of who went on missions while both taking care of their son…

Naruto stopped his thoughts. This was _Sasuke_ he was thinking about. The bastard had refused to come back for years. Even now that it would have been the most logical and best thing for Masashi for Sasuke to come home, Sasuke still stayed away.

As he looked at his sleeping son, Naruto looked at the face of the child he and Sasuke shared. Masashi was a miracle. He had no idea how Sasuke could have gotten pregnant. He had no idea how Sasuke had given birth. Masashi shouldn't have been possible, yet here he was. Shouldn't Masashi's miracle of merely existing showed Sasuke that it was a sign Sasuke should come back home to Konoha?

Okay, so maybe it would have been completely awkward because they were two men who had a son. And Naruto wasn't deluded into thinking that Sasuke would want to move in with him and start a family…

In fact, Naruto had never really considered what the relationship between them was any more. After all, having sex didn't equal forever, but it didn't quite mean just friendship. Naruto cared about Sasuke a lot, but he hadn't actually thought about them together romantically.

Naruto blushed as he thought about kissing Sasuke and touching him sexually. It was hard for him to think about; he wondered if Sasuke-bastard had thought about them together like that. Or maybe he had. And maybe he was so repulsed with Naruto that he would never want to see him again…

Sighing to himself, Naruto decided he didn't want to dwell on that at the moment, so now would be as good a time as any to practice his sage chakra. Since he already had to sit still in order not to wake Masashi, he merely let the sage chakra flow through him. Immediately he became aware of the chakra sense surrounding his son. Even as a mere infant, he exuded a sharp and distinct signature, making Naruto's face split into a wide, proud grin. Taking another deep breath he felt the nearby chakras, ignoring them for the most part as he gathered more chakra into his being.

However, with Masashi sitting on his lap, it felt as though Masashi's chakra were echoing back to him. It was a strange sensation, and one that Naruto had never felt before. It was as though he could feel a faint, almost but not quite, identical chakra signature far out reaching.

It could be that since Naruto had never practiced his sage chakra while holding someone, it could just be that there was an added effect with the way he sensed someone else's chakra while he touched them. Yet Naruto, growing excited at the thought, wondered if maybe it was Masashi's connection to Sasuke that he felt. After all, Naruto had been sure that he'd been pregnant. He had gotten sympathy pains around the same time Sasuke must have. Clearly Masashi had been connected to him for Naruto to have sensed that.

Perhaps the echo was Masashi's connection to Sasuke. Maybe he could use that to his advantage and use the echo from Masashi's chakra to find Sasuke.

Now that Naruto was focusing on it, there was even a bit of difference to it. Then again, it seemed very, very far away. He couldn't quite sense Sasuke's chakra, but at the same time, it was definitely very similar to Masashi's. So many possibilities came to Naruto. There were things that he could do now to find Sasuke.

He couldn't leave Masashi, not yet, but he would figure out a way to use this new found connection between Masashi and Sasuke to confront Sasuke. Naruto couldn't fathom why Sasuke would give up their son. Why had he gone through so much only to give up the little guy?

Naruto held Masashi closer to his chest.

"I'll find him for us. I promise," Naruto said. Masashi cooed in his sleep.

* * *

_Several weeks prior..._

"Sasuke is due today, and I don't have the book ready," Karin said as she looked through all of her completed pages, rifling through her notes and did her best to compile unfinished pages into a semblance of order.

"Chill. Sasuke doesn't need a textbook for parenting 101. He'll be fine as he goes. Then again, I think you should add in some instructions on what to do if the baby gets sick because that's usually what parents don't know," Suigetsu mused as he flipped through the note cards Karin had been making.

"Oh no! I completely forgot to add that in!" Karin fretted as she flipped through one of the many baby books that she had gotten in order to help obtain information.

Juugo watch on amused as his two other teammates flipped through the books that they had borrowed from the local village library to compile information on this stupid baby manual Karin was putting together. He had a feeling that Sasuke wouldn't use it anyway.

They'd been in the same village for over two weeks now. It was clear that Sasuke was unable to travel very far in case he "went" at any minute. But as no one was quite sure how he would go into labor, or even if he could, they decided to find someone they thought would be competent enough to give a man a cesarean section. They'd scheduled it for today.

Sasuke was currently at the doctor's and had forbidden them to come with him for the time being. In the meanwhile, Karin was darting about doing her best to keep busy so that she wouldn't start freaking out. Juugo mused that so far she was failing.

Suigetsu seemed nervous as well. They were all a bit put out that Sasuke didn't want them there with him, but at the same time with how stressed out he'd been, it might be a good thing just in case he accidentally-on-purpose crushed one of their hands if they suggested holding it for support.

"I should be there with him," Karin said as she huffily grabbed the cards from Suigetsu's hand. He sneered at her but didn't try and take them back.

"It wouldn't do much good. He's unconscious for it," Suigetsu noted.

"What? He decided to go under anesthetics? I'm surprised he didn't have us there to back him up. He'll be vulnerable! Is he stupid?" Juugo noted, worried. Suigetsu shrugged.

"I think it's due to that problem of his where he doesn't like people to see him weak. Sometimes his genius fails him when his pride gets in the way," Suigetsu said thoughtfully.

"Why are you so perceptive and yet still such an ass?" Karin asked him. Suigetsu grinned, showing her his pointed teeth.

"It's a gift."

"I still don't like the idea of Sasuke being there alone. Letting someone experiment on him without being conscious is how he got into this mess in the first place," Juugo said worriedly.

"Actually, I think having sex is how he got really into trouble," Suigetsu pointed out. Karin glowered at him. He turned to look at her. "Karin, what will it take to get you to realize he's not gonna ever like you like that?"

"He's just going through a trying time. He will come to his senses eventually, especially when he sees the baby needs a proper mother," Karin said defensively.

"That rules you out," Suigetsu countered.

"I'm going to check up on him," Juugo said, ignoring both Karin and Suigetsu.

"He said he didn't want us there! We need to respect his wishes," Karin said.

"If he is unconscious, he won't be able to stop me," Juugo pointed out.

"Oo, good point. I'm coming with you!" Suigetsu volunteered his company. He turned to look at Karin. "You can stay here and Sasuke can know you were the good girl and did as he told you to."

"I can't let him see that I didn't want to come though!"

The three of them ended up marching over to the small clinic where Sasuke was undergoing his "procedure." The medics were competent. Not to mention they had found out that the head medic was a missing nin from the Mist, and they would use that to lord over her head if she threatened them in anyway or tried to reveal Sasuke's identity. Their money was also an added benefit, the majority of which she wouldn't see until after a successful delivery.

When the three of them came to the door, the head medic who met them looked grim.

"Is he okay?" Karin asked, concerned.

"Physically he's fine. Mentally..." the woman trailed off, letting them come inside.

"The procedure didn't go well? Is the baby okay?" Juugo wondered. If the baby had died, then all of that turmoil that Sasuke had gone through would gnaw at him. He didn't take well to death, and if his own child had died after he had been so careful for so long, Juugo couldn't imagine how Sasuke would react.

"Everything went perfectly, especially considering the bizarre situation," the doctor said, a tilt of her chin to show that she wouldn't have let anything bad happen to either of her patients. "It just went a bit…unexpectedly."

The woman led them from the waiting room down a corridor where all the patient rooms were located. Karin looked behind a door and whispered to her teammates.

"Sasuke's in there, and he seems to be in anguish," Karin relayed, reading his chakra. They were all a little perturbed when the woman led them down the hallway instead of into his room.

"We're heading to the nursery," the head medic explained.

Karin's breath hitched, and she realized before either one of them what had happened.

Juugo swore softly upon entering the nursery, immediately realizing why Sasuke was having such a hard time emotionally.

Suigetsu cocked his head to the side.

"I don't get what the problem is."

"Suigetsu, can you count?" Karin snarled.

After Juugo explained what exactly Sasuke's dilemma was, they headed in to see Sasuke.

He was sitting up, staring off to the side. He looked pale and exhausted, but overall okay, yet his eyes were focused downward, his fists clenched. No one knew quite what to say, but Sasuke uncharacteristically did not stay silent.

"Twins," Sasuke hissed. "Brothers. Two boys. One was fine. But to have two Uchiha brothers it's tempting disaster. I can feel it to my very core. They will grow to hate each other. That's how Uchiha brothers work. It will be just like Itachi and me all over again."

Sasuke closed his eyes. His body was utterly exhausted after the unprecedented procedure. His chakra supply was low, and his body was reacting strangely to just having had twins.

"Yeah, that really does kinda seem a bit cruel after all you went through with Itachi," Suigetsu said a bit tactlessly. Sasuke ignored him.

"Really though, what does it matter?" Karin said, trying to be upbeat. "If you raise them, then it will be fine. It's not like it's written somewhere that all Uchiha brothers hate each other. You and Itachi did end up liking each other even if you didn't know about it. You'll be able to-"

"How would they not find out about the horrible link our bloodline has? How would they not know about my history if they grow up with me? How would they not know they could become insanely powerful by getting the mangekyou and taking their twin's eyes? They will ask questions. And if one develops the sharingan slower than the other, even the mere jealousy and temptations...I need to rest and think things through." He looked away before changing the topic. "Now that there are twins and we know their gender, I need you three to go and get the rest of their supplies. More boys' clothing and more diapers and formula."

The rest of his team didn't speak as they exited his room. He laid back on his pillow, letting out a deep, worried sigh. Fate was cruel. He'd been excited thinking that he would help repopulate his clan. A small part of him had hoped for a girl because they usually seemed more docile. He also had rather liked the idea of having a daughter who was a daddy's girl. On the other hand, he'd be able to relate easier to a boy. But he'd never imagined having twins. He'd expected that he'd only have one shot.

But the medic nin had explained that the babies were identical twins, and that they had split from one egg.

It should be a happy day. Instead, he had to immediately worry about what to do in order to prevent disaster in the future.

Certain that he had given his teammates enough time to leave, Sasuke got out of the hospital bed, feeling strange without the weight of the baby – babies rather – in his stomach. He righted himself, refusing to show any more weakness than he already had, and strode down the nursery where the babies had been put.

The medic nin frowned at him but didn't stop him as he entered, looking at the two sleeping babes in their own separate cribs. Something in his chest constricted in both joy and pain at seeing them. He wondered if it were truly possible for him to raise them as brothers _should_ be raised. He'd heard twins had a special connection that bonded them together.

As he watched his two completely helpless and innocent infants sleep, it seemed foolish to project their future as though they were already threats. He smiled as one twitched in his sleep, his tiny fist bunched up and jerking around. He had to have been the one that had kept Sasuke awake some nights with the way he twitched.

Naruto came forcibly to mind. Sasuke's smile vanished as he wondered how Naruto would feel knowing that he and Sasuke had conceived two sons. Sasuke shook his head. It was never a conversation that Sasuke had been able to see himself having with Naruto. Part of him knew that if he were to ever let Naruto know they had a child, Naruto's obsession to find him would increase a hundred fold – at least.

Then again, Sasuke had never anticipated having twins.

The thought of separating the two of them was strangely appealing as much as it was cliché: twins separated at birth. He wasn't sure how his sons would feel if they were separated and met years later. Angry, most likely, but perhaps it was a good idea. Sasuke didn't trust the idea of two Uchiha brothers growing up together. The jealousy and discord that it could create if one felt inferior or if one tried to lord his higher power over the other was nothing to scoff at. Sasuke could clearly remember how horrible it had felt not to have reached the same standards Itachi had as a child. Not to mention Itachi had been so certain of his ability to control Sasuke that the good he thought he had been doing had instead done so much more damage to Sasuke's mentality.

Not to mention that if he and his teammates traveled with twins many complications would arise. Having one infant with them would be bad enough, and it would more than double their problems with another child because if one started to cry, the other was likely to start crying. It would be harder to calm them down. They'd also be carrying close to twice as many supplies.

Plus, it seemed as though having twins had presented him a solution to the slight guilt he felt about keeping their child from Naruto. If he kept one and sent the other away to Naruto…

On the other hand, it seemed almost foolish to separate them just because of the fear that they would one day in the distant future develop the same twisted relationship most other Uchiha brothers had shared. If they were separated and met up later, there was no telling how the two would react to each other. It could even be worse.

Yet if he did give one to Naruto, Naruto would raise him happily and with so much love, he doubted that twin would become hateful and resentful. Sasuke would be able to talk to the twin he kept about how much his brother had done for him (leaving out the bad), and perhaps make the other twin almost envious, wishing for a brother.

And yet his heart burned at the thought of giving one of them up.

Even so, he felt beyond all reason the right thing to do was to separate them to keep them safe. It was a gut reaction. If he kept his sons together, something bad would happen. And he knew he should go with his gut.

It was what a really good parent would do; do what was best for the sake of the child without any thought of his own desires. It should be an easy decision to sacrifice what a parent wanted for their child's needs.

Sasuke wished he weren't so selfish.

**Next Chapter: Double Trouble

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**

And here a lot of you were thinking Sasuke just gave up poor Masashi because he didn't want him.

Anyway, did anyone catch the hint in chapter 5 that there would be twins? No? Well, I'll tell you what the hint was, and perhaps that will help you to know the name of the other twin. The hint: Masashi's name. Masashi Kishimoto has a twin brother, hence one of the reasons I went with the name Masashi since I knew he was a twin.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter! ~ Jelp


	8. Chapter 8: Double Trouble

Happy birthday to lexjamandme/michelerene whose b-day is January 22nd! Enjoy your b-day chappie! Beta'd by Darkalbino – she did the wrapping on your present. :)

**Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!**

**Chapter 8: Double Trouble**

"They're so cute!" Karin squealed, watching the twin boys as they stretched and yawned. Even though the twins were unable to do much more than make small movements due to only being three weeks old, just watching the way the little ones moved brought a smile to everyone's faces.

For traveling purposes, Sasuke usually had both of them strapped either to his front or his back. He rarely let them out of his sight. And while he allowed his team to attend to his children at night merely due to sheer need for sleep (he still loathed the mere thought of having to wake up in the middle of the night unless it was an emergency), he took care of them meticulously.

However, at the moment, Sasuke was off taking care of some personal business, letting his team watch over the twins as they rested in a farmer's field near a small village. The infant boys lay on their backs, blinking up at the faces hovering over them. Their eyes took in everything as their developing minds tried to process what they saw.

"They're hellions," Suigetsu grumped. "They kept me up with their crying all last night. Now they're resting peacefully because they don't have to keep moving from place to place. And once one of them starts bawling, then the other one starts wailing louder. It's like a baby pissing match. 'I can cry louder than you!' 'What? No way! Try _this_ wail on for size!'" Suigetsu grumbled. "I hate babies." Though he said this last part hushed, as though to make sure the babies themselves didn't hear his confession.

"This coming from the guy who keeps freaking out when they cry, jumping up out of his bedroll to make sure that they're okay, and cooing at them that everything's just fine," Juugo said, amused. Suigetsu blushed.

"Well, you know. If something happens to them, Sasuke will torture us all. Just don't want my hide to be beaten into a pulp," Suigetsu mumbled.

"Somehow I doubt it's the threat of Sasuke that is keeping you so vigilant," Juugo smiled knowingly. They all glanced over toward the trees where they knew Sasuke was currently doing something he found both utterly humiliating, yet still insisted upon doing.

One of the side effects of the Klinefelter's syndrome Sasuke suffered from was that his body naturally produced prolactin, the hormone that was necessary to produce breast milk. Sasuke refused point blank to actually breast feed the twins at his chest, but on the other hand, he knew that breast milk was best for developing a baby's mental health. As he wanted to make sure they were as physically and mentally fit as possible, he coaxed the milk from his body into bottles to feed the twins. Unfortunately, it took a while to fill two bottles. They used formula as well, but Sasuke insisted that they have two bottles of breast milk a day for the first few weeks.

"How does he know all of this stuff?" Suigetsu asked as he watched the babies roll around. "He's been changing their diapers without batting an eye, burping them and all that other stuff like he's been doing it for years."

"I know! He hasn't even used the baby manual I put together for him," Karin said sadly.

"Hey! I helped...a little."

"Considering he has the sharingan, I would imagine learning such mundane skills merely by copying the movements of others comes naturally to him. Not to say he could copy such things with the sharingan as they're not actually jutsu, but he can see how people move better due to his training," Juugo explained.

"I guess. Never thought of that. I guess that's how he can tell the twins apart. I mean, like, they're identical and everything, so I can't figure out which is which. I know Sasuke can tell. Even Karin can't tell them apart yet because their chakras are too similar. They haven't grown in their own rights. Man, what will happen when these two itty bitty guys grow up to have big bad sharingans too?" Suigetsu wondered. "They seem so harmless now. Can you imagine that we all started out like this? So little and helpless? I mean, even the most powerful people were shitting in their diapers, needing someone to change them. Kinda humbling, you know?" Suigetsu mused as he poked one of the twins' kicking feet.

Karin slapped him.

"Ow!"

"Don't do that!" Karin hissed.

"It's not hurting him. Just playing with his foot. You can't do much with them when they're like this. They can't run or anything. They don't even roll over."

"They're not dogs," Karin snapped.

"Why do you two bicker so much?" Juugo asked with a shake of his head. "You're going to be a bad influence on these two," he noted. Both of them made a nasty reply to Juugo, before turning their attention back onto the babies.

Sasuke returned soundlessly. If he was surprised that the bickering had stopped before his return, he made no comment on it. Instead, he took one twin, and propped him in his arms, pressing the bottle to eagerly awaiting lips.

"So..." Suigetsu began.

"I haven't given them names yet. You don't need to be able to tell them apart. Stop asking," Sasuke replied calmly. Suigetsu had been bringing the topic up more and more frequently, though he usually did so when Sasuke's hands were occupied with holding one of the twins.

"If you don't think of something soon, I'm going to start calling them Twin One and Twin Two," Suigetsu grumbled. Sasuke was able to tell the twins apart, but so far he had been purposefully doing his best to make it hard for his team to get attached to one over the other.

"If that is the best your small mind can come up with, then you may refer to them as such in your head. If you enjoy having your tongue attached to your throat, then do not refer to them as such out loud."

"Always so violent," Suigetsu grumbled, having to get the last word before shutting up. There was silence for a few moments.

"I understand that you are concerned about the twins, even if you try and pretend that you are not. I also know you're concerned about me," Sasuke added, quietly. His words surprised his team, but he continued despite their obvious shock. "We're going to return to Konoha. I am going to give one of the twins to Naruto to raise. It will help us when we move about. Having one baby is difficult enough. Having to protect two babies means twice as many supplies to carry around, and twice as many chances that one of them would start crying; it is not safe."

A heavier silence lingered among them. It was the first time that Sasuke had actually admitted out loud that his old teammate Naruto was the twins' other parent. Not that his team hadn't figured it out, but for him to state it so bluntly was a bit shocking. Even more shocking was to hear Sasuke admit he was going to give one of the twins away. He had hinted at possibly giving up one or even both of the twins, but for the past three weeks, he hadn't let his team in on that information. Even when he had, with the way he was so attached to them made them take him less seriously.

"Naruto will name one twin, and I will name the other. Until then..." he trailed off.

It was hard enough for him to give up one of his sons. It would be worse having named one and to then give him up. Naming a child would make it so much harder for him to give him up, even if Sasuke was doing it for what he thought was the best interest for both of his children.

"You're serious about splitting them up? But, isn't that like, asking for something bad to happen? Twins separated at birth and all?" Suigetsu asked, warily.

"Shut up! This is a hard decision for Sasuke-kun," Karin glowered.

"There are other options. We could find a place to raise them. We could have a home base – or several – " Juugo started.

"No. I've thought about this. They're my children, and it's my decision. But we need to plan first. I have a feeling it will take Naruto some time to get adjusted to having a baby. I won't leave my son there without what he needs to take care of him."

"At least someone can use that manual now," Suigetsu pointed out to Karin. She sighed, dejected.

"It was meant for Sasuke-kun."

"So...what are we doing now?" Juugo asked, always ready to be on the move.

"We're going to Konoha. Once there, we'll get some more supplies. Karin, you and Suigetsu can go into a local store and purchase duplicate supplies to give to Naruto. The shop owners in Konoha won't recognize your faces." Karin and Suigetsu exchanged a disgusted look with each other, as though no one in their right mind would think that they would be shopping together, especially not for a baby. "Juugo, I'll need you to scout out the area inside Konoha and find Naruto's new apartment. Things have changed since they rebuilt. I won't enter the city premises in case my presence is easily recognized until everything has been situated in Naruto's apartment. Once everything is, come back to our rendezvous point outside of the city's walls. Juugo and Suigetsu will return and watch one of the twins. Karin, you stay with Naruto. Juugo, when scouting the area, your best bet is to see if there is still a ramen stand called Ichiraku. He used to eat there most evenings. It wouldn't be too hard for you to slip a sedative into his ramen. It's not a poison, and it's slow acting. Naruto's a heavy sleeper to begin with, so it will aid in allowing us to get in and out of his apartment without him detecting us."

"Uh, you want us to go in the apartment when he's there?" Suigetsu asked.

"I'm not leaving my son alone in an empty apartment!" Sasuke growled.

"Er, right."

"Konoha is a few days' travel from here. If we leave now, we can get there by twilight in two and a half days. It will be the best time to act. Karin and Suigetsu can shop right before the store closes so they don't have to carry the supplies around all day. Juugo can slip the sedative into Naruto's ramen around dinner time."

"Is that everything?" Juugo asked. Sasuke nodded.

"Let's go."

* * *

"Konoha people are stupid. They actually believe that we're together?" Karin grumbled, her hands on her hips as she exited a baby shop in Konoha. She stifled a yawn, tired from the way Sasuke had pushed them to get to Konoha in the two and a half day time frame. Suigetsu moved sluggishly behind her, a ton of bags in his hands. They would have continued shopping as Karin was determined to buy everything possible for the twin they were leaving behind, but as they had gone late at night, the store clerk had finally told them they needed to make their final purchases so she could close up.

"You could help carry these," Suigetsu pointed out, trying to off load at least one bag in her empty hands.

"Yeah right! If these people are to believe I just gave birth, that means you should be doing all the heavy lifting," Karin said with a flip of her hair.

"At least it explains why you look like a fat cow," Suigetsu grumbled. For his sake, he was lucky Karin hadn't heard him. "Juugo should have found the apartment by now. He'll probably have to send us a sign soon."

"Hey," Juugo said, coming up along side them, taking a few bags from Suigetsu.

"Or not," Karin groaned. "What happened? Why didn't you wait for us where we were going to meet you after that Naruto guy passed out?"

"Naruto didn't go out to eat at the ramen place tonight. Apparently he had been by earlier in the day because one of his friends had offered to pay for lunch," Juugo said.

"I knew that wasn't going to work. Now what do we do?" Suigetsu asked.

"We'll just wait till he's asleep. I did at least find out where he lived. As long as we're quiet, all we have to do is drop the stuff off and leave. But he does have booby-traps on the door."

"What kind of ninja still puts booby-traps on the front door?" Karin asked, crossing her arms. Suigetsu grinned.

"Just leave that to me."

Almost two hours later after waiting outside of Naruto's window to make sure he had fallen asleep, Juugo, Karin, and Suigetsu stood outside of the sleeping nin's apartment. Suigetsu liquefied himself, collapsing into a puddle before flooding himself underneath the door. It took a few minutes, but the door opened from the inside, showing Suigetsu grinning toothily from ear to ear. He didn't speak, just ushered them in. Working as quietly as ninja should, they deftly placed all the items throughout the living room and kitchen, quickly filling the small apartment.

Karin quietly motioned for the other two to go get Sasuke as she kept guard.

It took only a few minutes for Juugo and Suigetsu to meet Sasuke at the designated meeting place.

"He had an interesting array of traps. I'm kind of impressed. Managed to disarm them easily enough from the inside. The window doesn't seem to be protected, but I suppose he assumes that if a person is stupid enough to attack a ninja right by his window, which he doesn't even have locked, he would risk waking them up in a direct fight," Suigetsu explained.

"Not surprising. He's very trusting of his friends. I'm sure he assumes that anyone suspicious wouldn't get past his friends on guard duty." Even as Sasuke spoke, his eyes were distracted. He held both of the twins in his arms, cradled close to his chest.

"Which...which one are you going to give up?" Suigetsu wondered. No one but Sasuke had been able to tell them apart. Whenever they tried to dress them differently, Sasuke had switched their clothes. He did things purposefully to make it difficult for his teammates to grow attached too much to one child or the other. Even so, Sasuke could tell them apart effortlessly. As much as he had tried to make his team feel unburdened when he gave one up, Sasuke knew, and had always known, the difference.

"The elder brother," Sasuke murmured. He had never bothered to tell which one was older or younger. Suigetsu and Juugo both looked at the twins, wondering which one would be leaving them, and which one would be staying. Sasuke looked down at his sons. He gave a kiss on top of both of their heads. "Take Seishi," Sasuke murmured, offering the twin in his left arm for Juugo, finally naming the son he was keeping. As soon as Juugo held Seishi securely in his arms, Sasuke took the oldest twin, pressing him close to his chest before fleeing into the night.

Sasuke's eyes whirled past the different homes and businesses in Konoha. Things seemed to be mostly the same from before Konoha had been rebuilt, but there were still glaring differences that bothered Sasuke's perception of his childhood home. He tried not to dwell on these facts as he could feel the warmth of his eldest son cradled tightly to his chest. Fear of attack had never weighed so heavily on him. If Sasuke got injured it would be one thing, but if his son was injured or killed, he would never forgive himself. That was exactly why he needed to separate them. He knew he was being selfish by even keeping Seishi, but he wanted him – not to mention there would be few who could train his sons with the sharingan. Sasuke was sure Kakashi would take a hand in helping Naruto with their other son, but even he could only teach him limited techniques. That was part of the reason Sasuke had decided to give Naruto their eldest child. In the Uchiha's history, it was the oldest that became the more powerful and lethal of the two. He trusted Naruto to keep that side of their son from showing up. Sasuke was both hateful and grateful toward Naruto for giving him the opportunity to pass on his lineage to two beautiful boys, despite all the issues it had caused.

It felt like much too soon before he had entered the apartment. Karin stood by the door, waiting for Sasuke to arrive. As soon as he had, he wordlessly motioned for her to leave the apartment. She nodded, looking at the twin in his arms longingly. Sasuke glared at her as she made a motion to hug his son goodbye, not letting her get too close. Her face clouded over before she vanished out the door.

Sasuke looked over at the entrance of the apartment, noting the disarmed devices. Sasuke inwardly scoffed. It wasn't anything fancy as Suigetsu had made it seem. He would arm them back up before leaving out of Naruto's bedroom window. With a quick, sweeping glance around the impressively baby-supplied apartment, Sasuke found a little basket cradle. He gently set down Seishi's older brother inside of it and found a blanket to cover him with. Satisfied with his son's comfort, Sasuke quickly reset the booby traps on Naruto's front door.

His body froze just as he stepped away from the door, hearing a sound coming from the bedroom. His eldest son was far enough away that if Naruto attacked, no harm would come to him. Naruto would get angry and try and make Sasuke stay. He'd be embarrassed and angry, but pleased that Sasuke had come to him. Naruto would plead and beg for Sasuke to stay with him.

He moved his body, poised for an attack, ready for anything. Sasuke held his breath, waiting for the next sound to come. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

Sasuke realized he _wanted_ Naruto to wake up and find him, and that he wanted Naruto to talk him out of what he was doing.

The thought startled him. He shook his head before relaxing his body and heading over to the fridge. A light blush covered his cheeks before he put several bottles of breast milk inside. He hoped that none of his teammates suspected that the reason he hadn't come into Konoha was so that he had time to pump the breast milk into the bottle. He could deal with most all of the other humiliations that came with the fact that he was a man who had given birth, but the breast milk wasn't one of them. If it weren't for the fact that he knew it was one of the best head starts he could give his sons mentally, he wouldn't bother with it. He left katon tags on the bottles to heat them up to the right temperature, not sure if he trusted Naruto's cooking skills outside of making ramen.

Sasuke took his time roaming over everything to make sure his son wouldn't need any other items. It seemed that Karin had had a lot of fun going shopping. Sasuke's eyebrows rose when he saw the baby manual placed in plain sight on the kitchen table. He grabbed it and tucked it away in the basket with his son to make sure that Naruto saw that as soon as possible. With a last kiss to his son's forehead, Sasuke finally picked up the basket and walked him into Naruto's bedroom.

Naruto's face looked serene as he slept. Childhood memories of Naruto making stupid faces surfaced, but Sasuke hadn't seen Naruto make such a face at him in years. He looked much better without a forced, stupid grin.

Carefully, Sasuke placed their baby by the foot of Naruto's bed, out of danger of Naruto accidentally stepping on him in the morning.

He watched as Naruto turned restlessly in his sleep, his peaceful features scrunched up. Sasuke's eyes never left his face, willing Naruto to wake up. Willing Naruto to ask him what he was doing there. Willing for Naruto to come after him like the idiot always did. Instead, Naruto slept on.

Sasuke clenched his fist, angry that Naruto, always _Naruto_, could interfere so much in his life, yet seem so unaffected. His glare melted as he looked at the basket by the bed where he could hear the soft, deep breathing of his son who had fallen asleep in his new home. With one more glance between Naruto and their son, he hopped over the bed, landing deftly on the windowsill before sliding outside the window.

He sat in a nearby tree, watching as the sun came up while waiting for Naruto to wake. Sleeplessness ate away at his eyes. He was partially surprised that his team hadn't come back to look for him. Perhaps they knew how hard it was for him to leave his son. Even though he wanted to get back to them and Seishi, he needed to make sure everything was okay with leaving his other son behind.

After hours of waiting, Sasuke finally saw Naruto stir. The Konoha nin sat up and stretched, his eyes almost instantly zoning in at the baby by his bed. Even Sasuke couldn't hold back a smirk as he watched the disbelief and surprise pass over Naruto's face. Sasuke's feet were already poised to bound away as he heard the dulled exclamation through the window's glass, "WHAT THE FUCK IS A BABY DOING IN MY ROOM?!"

* * *

_Several weeks later..._

"How's little Masashi doing today?" Kakashi asked, holding Masashi in his hands, smiling at him.

"He's doing good," Naruto beamed from where he hovered protectively by Kakashi's shoulders. Kakashi chuckled.

"I was asking him," Kakashi clarified.

"He can't talk," Naruto said in a "duh" kind of tone.

"I'm well aware of that. I didn't expect him to answer. Just chatting with him," Kakashi said.

"You do that all the time with him," Sakura pointed out to Naruto, bemused as she watched Kakashi holding Masashi and the way Naruto seemed ready to grab Masashi back already.

"What do you think?" Yamato called from Naruto's bedroom. Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi walked from the living room and down the hall to the small bedroom. Yamato had created a beautifully wood-crafted crib, and Sai had painted it white, pale and dark blue.

"Wow!" Naruto exclaimed. "Looks amazing!"

"Give the paint a bit more time to dry," Sai instructed as he opened the window, letting the room air out the paint fumes.

Since Masashi's arrival, his teammates had been by Naruto's place every day to help him out. They said it took a village to raise a child, and Naruto was grateful for the help.

"I told you two to wait until Naruto moved. We'll just have to carry the crib now too!" Sakura complained.

"Aww, Sakura. Don't be like that. It's awesome guys," Naruto beamed.

"You're moving?" Kakashi asked, passing off Masashi to Yamato. Yamato immediately began to make "funny" faces that resulted in Masashi crying. He quickly handed the baby boy back off to his father who glared at him.

"Don't scare him! And yeah, I'm moving. A bit cramped for us in here," Naruto said.

"Can you imagine what this little guy will be like when he's older? He'll probably cause twice as much trouble as you used to," Kakashi smiled happily. Naruto blanched.

"Karma coming back to bite you in the butt for how you were when you were younger," Sakura snickered.

"Hey! I hope not. I didn't have anyone to punish me for doing stuff like that."

"Actually, I could picture you encouraging such behavior," Sai added thoughtfully.

The shinobi laughed at Naruto's squawk of indignation. They joked and prodded him about it. Even so, Naruto couldn't find it in himself to think too much about Masashi's future at the moment.

Naruto tried to pay attention to his friends, honestly, he did. However, there was something nagging him in the back of his mind as they joked around with him.

Three hours later, after everyone had left, Naruto sat on his bed as Masashi slept peacefully in his newly made crib. Naruto looked out the open window as twilight descended over Konoha. Outside seemed calm and peaceful.

His body jerked upward, his eyes wide as they captured the faintest hint of movement in the trees across from his apartment. Naruto jerked forward, placing his hands on the windowsill as his gaze searched through the trees.

There, in the trees, Sasuke stood looking at him. His dark eyes narrowed as Naruto gaped openly at him. Sasuke glanced over his shoulder and then back at Naruto before darting out of sight. Naruto took a look at Sasuke's fleeing form, and then back to the crib where Masashi slept, caught in a split second decision of what he should do.

**Next Chapter: Words

* * *

**

Already have 600 words for the next chapter, yay! Hope you enjoyed chapter eight. ~ Jelp


	9. Chapter 9: Words

**Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!**

**Chapter 9: Words**

It was a split second decision. Naruto had his hands forming the seal as he created a clone, running after Sasuke. The light was low, and Sasuke had a head start, but Naruto wouldn't let that deter him.

For Sasuke to be in Konoha, for him to be watching him and Masashi, it was too much not to chase after the hope that Sasuke regretted leaving. Naruto refused to think that it was because he regretted leaving Masashi and not staying himself.

Sasuke seemed to be making no pains to hide his path. His speed assured that very few could keep up with him. Naruto, always chasing after Sasuke, had had to train harder to increase his speed to be able to follow his best friend. His determination helped fuel his speed as they raced through the trees.

At any moment Naruto expected an ambush from Sasuke's teammates, but none came. Even outside of Konoha's walls, running as fast as they were and as far as they had, there was nothing. Practically no one was outside of the gates. They ran farther and farther before Naruto finally had Sasuke in full sight.

As soon as Sasuke glanced back at him Naruto threw a kunai toward Sasuke. Without breaking his speed, he caught it effortlessly and returned it with a quick wrist flick. Naruto dodged it wildly, another kunai already in hand.

Sasuke jumped from his place in the trees and skidded to a halt, his sandals kicking up the dirt and grass around him. His stance told Naruto he was ready for him. Naruto hopped from tree to tree, slowing down his speed before landing a few meters in front of Sasuke.

"I just want to talk," Naruto said. He wasn't foolish enough to think that Sasuke shared his sentiments, keeping his kunai ready.

"That's the only option you have anyway," Sasuke murmured. "Sending a clone after me – one hit and you're gone."

Naruto's clone nodded his head. The real Naruto had stayed back with Masashi; who knew what Sasuke had planned? If there was a fight, Naruto needed to be by his son's side.

"He's...he's our son right? I mean, when you and I..." Naruto trailed off. Sasuke raised his eyebrow and smirked haughtily.

"Had sex?" Sasuke offered up. Naruto blushed. "And you made fun of me for saying private area instead of penis," Sasuke taunted, enjoying the way the tables had turned.

"Shut-up! This is serious!" Naruto yelled angrily. The smirk twitched at the corner of Sasuke's lips, but his face did become more serious.

"Yes. He's ours."

Naruto scratched the back of his head. He really wasn't sure exactly how that was possible and doubted Sasuke wanted to stand around and tell him. Not that Naruto cared what Sasuke wanted at the moment.

"How is that possible?" Naruto asked. "I mean...you shoved your dick up my ass. How did you get pregnant?"

"It's a long story. Just know that it was possible just once and that Orochimaru is partially to blame."

Naruto blanched. All of a sudden, he wasn't sure he wanted to know the details.

"Why did you leave Masashi with me? Why didn't you stay with us?" Naruto demanded. "You obviously still care to be sneaking back to check up on him."

"Masashi? You named our son, _Masashi_? Isn't that the name of the guy who writes about those two gay ninja?" Sasuke asked, outraged. Naruto growled.

"No! I mean, I don't think so. And even if it was, it would be fitting! No, I named him Masashi because I want him to be a splendid ninja!"

"Uchiha Masashi..."

"Wait, wait, wait. His name is Uzumaki Masashi!" Naruto replied indignantly.

"Hn. He'll use the sharingan. That's an Uchiha trait," Sasuke said.

"Yeah, but he's with me. Uzumaki's are strong, not to mention we're far more stable."

"Uchiha is far more distinguished. He'll have greater social status with that last name!"

"Well I'm the father! He should have my surname! And – and Uzumaki is a well respected name!"

"_Excuse me?_I'm his father."

"No you're not. You're his Mommy. You're the one who sprouted a vag-"

"Don't. Even. Say. It. I did not. He's my son. As you said, it was my dick up _your_ ass. I'm the father."

"And you expect me to just tell people my son's also your son? People will freak out. He's mine. You gave him to me," Naruto pointed out.

Sasuke glared angrily.

"You don't understand," Sasuke snarled.

"Then tell me!"

"No."

"You – why you –" Naruto growled, but jumped out of the way, dodging the kunai Sasuke had thrown in his anger. He flipped backwards and then dropped to the ground, avoiding the fireball that had blazed into life, the kunai a mere distraction. Naruto hid in the resulting smoke. He jumped high into the hot smoke, throwing three ninja stars toward Sasuke as he jumped down toward him. Sasuke blocked the stars and jumped backward, only slightly disoriented. However, Naruto was surprised to see that Sasuke was doing a lot more blocking instead of attacking.

It was then that Naruto realized something.

"You're a clone too!" Naruto said.

"Did you think I would risk coming into Konoha and get caught?" Sasuke asked, not pausing as he caught Naruto off guard, almost landing a direct blow.

"You wouldn't risk coming to see your son? What's more important than that?" Naruto asked, not understanding Sasuke's mindset. What was more important than being with his son? Didn't Sasuke want a family? Hadn't he always wanted to repopulate the Uchiha clan? He even wanted to make sure Masashi was labeled as part of the Uchiha clan. Naruto was definitely missing something.

"I know Masashi's in good hands," Sasuke said, seriously. The comment caught Naruto so off guard that he only had half a breath to curse as Sasuke punched him hard in the gut. He disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Back in Konoha, Naruto cursed as his clone's memories returned to him. If Sasuke had sent a clone, why hadn't it just dispersed back after he had finished spying on Naruto and Masashi? What was the point of having him chase after Sasuke if they didn't even get a chance to talk?

Or perhaps Sasuke had gotten the information he'd wanted.

Frowning, Naruto made four more clones, sending them out before cradling Masashi in his lap as he began to meditate, his mind thinking up a plan quickly.

"Your other Daddy needs help," Naruto said to Masashi. Masashi just cooed.

* * *

"Masashi," Sasuke whispered. Seishi, cradled in his father's arms, looked up at the word his father had spoken. He cooed, seemingly content with the sound of the word Masashi.

"What?" Juugo asked, confused at the sudden look that had come over Sasuke's face.

"Masashi is the name Naruto gave him," Sasuke said. He'd sent his clone to find out the name and to make sure Naruto was adjusting well. It seemed so. It also seemed like Naruto wasn't ready to give up on him just yet. He wasn't sure why that thought made him happy as much as it annoyed him.

"Masashi..." Karin mused. "Isn't that the name of the guy who writes about those two gay ninja...?"

"Fitting," Suigetsu noted.

"Shut up," Sasuke snapped. Suigetsu glanced at Sasuke and shrugged.

"What? It's true," Suigetsu muttered.

"Stop bickering," Sasuke said. Suigetsu rolled his eyes; Sasuke had been part of the bickering himself. But his next words sobered everyone up. "Konoha nin are going to be heading this way for us soon. We need to put as much distance between us and them."

"Why don't we stand and fight?" Suigetsu asked, flipping his sword from over his shoulder. "We haven't had a good run since junior came along."

"You insensitive prick! Of course we haven't had a fight since then! Seishi could get hurt!" Karin snapped.

"I said stop bickering," Sasuke said again, though even he sounded like he didn't believe that was going to happen any time soon. Instead, he made sure Seishi was securely attached to the baby harness around his chest and bounded off, not bothering to see if they would follow him or not.

His priority right now was to get Seishi out of harm's way. He'd debated for some time if it wasn't worth it to find a more stable life, something that wouldn't always be putting Seishi in danger. However, that thought was quickly quelled. If he let Seishi and Masashi near each other, their lives would constantly be in danger of the curse he feared was shared amongst the Uchiha brothers. He couldn't leave it to chance that Naruto's overly caring nature would diminish the inherit Uchiha nature to seek power by any means possible.

Seishi made a gurgling noise as Sasuke leapt from tree to tree. It sounded happy in Sasuke's mind, and he hoped his sons would have the happiness he was denied as a child.

Masashi and Seishi. Strong names.

"Where're we going?" Juugo asked, keeping up with Sasuke's movements.

"I want to lay low for a few months. There's an abandoned Sound safe house located three kilometers into Sand located by its border with Konoha. We'll stay there. We'll need to buy new supplies and restock the food, but it will do. Both Karin and Suigetsu seem to be getting restless. The safe house is centralized no more than ten to fifteen kilometers from eight different towns."

"That was the one that Konoha raided two years ago," Juugo said thoughtfully. Sasuke nodded.

"Hence why we will need more food and supplies. The hideout was massive, but they set off explosives. It wouldn't stand for a large base of operations as most of the underground tunnels have collapsed, but with just the five of us, it will be sufficient enough."

"Way to wait for us," Suigetsu grumbled, catching up with them, Karin close behind him. Half an hour passed in silence, broken only by Seishi's soft cooing. They darted about, first trying to get as much distance between themselves and Konoha before attempting to cover their tracks. Still, it didn't do much good.

"They're on our tail," Karin said worriedly. She looked over her shoulder. Sasuke merely picked up speed. His eyes were set forward, one hand clutched protectively over Seishi's baby harness.

A loud howl sounded in the distance, making Sasuke swear.

"That's one of Kakashi's dogs. They know my scent," Sasuke breathed in frustration. They flew through the trees, their movements deft as another howl sounded behind them. Sasuke's feet skidded suddenly on a branch, stopping abruptly. His teammates followed him. Seishi gave a small wail as Sasuke took off his harness and handed him to Suigetsu.

Suigetsu looked surprised.

"They know my scent. Even if you used a water jutsu to wipe it away, they could find it later. Not to mention Seishi could start crying at any minute. I'll double back around first. I'll distract them till then. Get Seishi to the hideout. Suigetsu, they won't expect Seishi to be with us. You can use your water jutsu to wash any trail they may have on him. I can't let them take him too."

His team looked at him, surprised at the vulnerability in Sasuke's eyes.

"We could stay. You don't have to fight them. You could go back. They _want_ you back," Karin offered. Sasuke looked off, lost in thought as their precious time to get away dwindled.

"No. My sons need to be separated. Trust me. Now – go."

They didn't have time to question him further. His team continued on, Suigetsu's liquefying part of his body around Seishi and the others to hide their scent before they left. He watched them go, sensing the approaching chakra of the Konoha ninja.

Deciding he needed to distract the Konoha ninjas away from the retreating group, Sasuke took a deep breath.

"Katon: goukakyuu no jutsu!"

The thought struck him as soon as he aimed the fireball at the nearest tree. Not only would the fire and smoke distract their attention toward him, but the resulting smoke would be a greater deterrent if the dogs couldn't smell anything but the smoke.

The fire and smoke swirled around him as he retreated into the trees, repeating the jutsu several times. His eyes darted back and forth, his hearing alert. The dogs might be distracted, but he doubted the ninja would be as hampered.

A familiar presence landed in the tree opposite him. Sasuke frowned. This was going to take longer than he wanted it to.

"Yo, Sasuke."

* * *

**Next Chapter: Actions**

YAY! I know. It's been over nine months. My bad. On the bright side – I already have the next chapter for this written up! Just need to edit it, and then I'll post it in a few days. Hope you enjoyed the chapter. ~ Jelp


	10. Chapter 10: Actions

**Naruto, You're Not Pregnant!**

**Chapter 10: Actions**

"Yo, Sasuke."

"Kakashi," Sasuke greeted wryly. Despite the pleasantries, Sasuke began moving away from Kakashi immediately. With a quick dart to his left, Sasuke moved out of Kakashi's immediate range of attack. He could sense the presence of Sakura followed by his "replacement" on Team 7, Sai, and Kakashi's co-leader. He had no interest in speaking to any of them. He didn't know, nor trust, Sai and Tenzou. Sakura seemed to lose her head around him. While he wasn't particularly in the mood – or position – to negotiate with anyone, he felt Kakashi would at least _listen_.

Kakashi had always given him choices as long as it didn't put anyone in immediate danger, himself included. Sadly, he felt Kakashi showed him more fatherly concern than his own father had at times.

As he expected, as soon as he began to move from tree to tree, Kakashi followed him, likewise not making any motions to attack.

"I don't intend to cause Konoha harm. Chasing me is a waste of your resources. Leave me alone, and I'll do the same," Sasuke said, picking up speed, wondering if he had really gotten that much faster than Kakashi, or if the older nin was merely pretending to give him the advantage.

"I can't do that Sasuke. You see, you _do_ seem to have an interest in coming back to Konoha. Twice now in the past few weeks you've returned to Konoha. Now, I do believe you when you say you don't intend to cause Konoha harm, not with your son behind its borders at least. Speaking of which, congratulations on becoming a father!"

Sasuke took an incredulous sideways glance, seeing the one eyed smile on Kakashi that he hadn't seen since the age of thirteen.

"It's better for everyone if you were to stop chasing after me," Sasuke said.

"What about what's best for Masashi?" Kakashi countered, his tone serious. Sasuke held his head high.

"Especially for him."

"Unfortunately your track record is against you. You seem to have a nasty habit of thinking you know what you're doing, and in reality, you end up hurting everyone – including yourself. Unless you've finally realized how horrible of a father you would be."

"I'm not a horrible father," Sasuke snapped back, unable to help it. "I'm doing what's best for everyone." Sasuke was going to add that doing what was best for Masashi was that the Konoha ninjas should focus their attention on Masashi rather than him, but in the next instant, Sasuke skidded to a halt, turned to his side and threw three kunai with exploding tags to his left. He watched, eyes narrowing as Sakura jumped high and to the right to avoid the attack.

He cursed. Even when he hadn't attacked them outright they cornered him.

Sasuke heard the flapping sound above him, not seeing the attack. However, he remembered that his replacement could ink creatures into being and thought he had seen Sai on a bird before. Sasuke rolled to his left toward where the smoke was still clearing from the exploding tags, using the smokescreen for coverage. The large ink bird that Sai rode gave an annoyed caw as he flew upward and away from the smoke before swooping back down to make another pass at Sasuke.

Just as he went to roll to the side, Sasuke felt something tug at his legs. Looking down, he saw branches twisting up his legs holding him in place. Cursing himself for not expecting Tenzou's attack in the smoke, Sasuke pulled his sword from its sheath. Letting the lightening chakra flow from his body into his sword, he slashed at the twisting vines with a wide arc, severing the branches from the grip on his legs.

He leapt into the air above the haze of smoke and jumped from branch to branch before jumping above the flying bird. With a downward sweep of his arm, he stabbed the ink bird Sai was on. For good measure, he kicked Sai off the bird before it dissolved into inky nothingness, using the momentum from shoving Sai in the opposite direction to get a lead away from the Konoha ninjas.

His eyes darted back and forth noting Sakura had several kunai in her hand. Sasuke jumped high above the trees. As expected, she threw the knives at him. He blocked them easily with his sword, sending them flying back at her, distracting her just enough so that when Sasuke landed within the trees she wouldn't see his exact location.

Sasuke cursed. He should have asked his team to stay. While he believed he would be able to take them all on if necessary, he didn't want to have to injure them. He cursed their relentlessness. Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

His one saving grace was that the smoke seemed to have made the dogs retreat. Kakashi must have called them back once they had determined his general location. Now the only thing he had to worry about was making his escape without them catching his scent and chasing after him. He'd never been one to run and hide, but with the thought of Seishi counting on him to return, his choice was made for him.

He could wait them out...

Sasuke spotted a tree with only a few lower branches. He put his sword back into its sheath and pulled out two kunai. He dug one in for a spot to place his feet, using the other as a loose grip. He discarded the idea of using chakra to bind him easier to the tree. Instead, he opted to use one of the basic genin genjutsu to blend into the bark of the tree. It was minimal enough chakra use that they wouldn't sense it, and he was high enough that they wouldn't see him immediately hidden in the shadow of larger trees. With his back to the tree, he eyed the area around him.

From all around him he could hear sounds of the Konoha group looking for him. He waited to see if Kakashi would summon his dogs again. From what he could remember, he should be high enough off the ground and far enough away from any branches for them to catch his scent.

But Kakashi didn't seem to be interested in using his dogs to find him again. Sakura made a sound of frustration before Kakashi instructed her to go with Sai and search the air. Kakashi and the wood user, Tenzou, began searching the area for him. It was these moments that Sasuke was grateful to have a sensor like Karin in his team. It was far easier to find someone's chakra with a sensor around.

The punch to his face startled him almost as much as the feeling of being knocked out of the tree. He landed, trying not to make a sound as a warm body landed on him, straddling him and holding his hands over his head.

"You can talk with me now, or I can call everyone over here and we can fight till you're exhausted enough to talk," Naruto growled.

Sasuke glared up at Naruto. He looked into the foreign eyes of Naruto's sage mode. Sasuke weighed his options. The grip on his wrists was crushing him. The ridiculous amount of strength Naruto gained while using his sage powers was something Sasuke couldn't counter. Not to mention Naruto's ability to sense other's chakra far outweighed even Karin's abilities. Sasuke wouldn't be able to hide. He debated on using his sharingan. However, that would take more time and energy. He was sure that Naruto's chakra presence was obvious for the others to sense, and Sasuke doubted they would have long before the others surrounded him.

The easiest option would to let Naruto talk – quickly – and convince him to let him go. He trusted that his team had had enough time to take Seishi away from the area. He only hoped that they had gone far enough out of Naruto's range that he wouldn't be able to sense Seishi. There was no way he could let Naruto follow him too far. The thought of not having at least Seishi made Sasuke's head swim. He took a deep breath, weighing his options.

"I didn't expect you to be with them," Sasuke admitted.

"Took me a moment to find a baby-sitter," Naruto explained.

"So talk."

"Why did you leave Masashi with me?" Sasuke paused for a moment. Naruto wasn't asking about the presence of another baby with his teammates. If he did notice another presence, Sasuke hoped that Naruto decided the unknown presence was just a new member.

"For his own good."

"It would be better for him if you were there too. There are things I can't teach him," Naruto admitted.

"Kakashi can do it," Sasuke gritted out, hating to say it.

"I want you to do it."

Sasuke swallowed. He hated the way Naruto looked at him. The hurt and disappointment twisted into Sasuke's gut, but what hurt even more was the raw emotion, the longing and caring. The love.

His body was reacted to Naruto sitting on top of him. He remembered how Naruto had fucked himself on Sasuke's body in a very similar situation. His mind wandered back to that moment, to the moment that had led to the twins being conceived. It took him a moment to realize now was _not_ the time to think such things.

"Stop chasing after me. Spend your time helping Masashi instead."

* * *

Naruto looked down at Sasuke. The defiance had left followed by pleading. Sasuke didn't plead unless he was pushed past his limits. Even as his chest tightened at the thought of letting Sasuke go, his hope refused to die. He had Masashi. He understood that for whatever reason Sasuke felt that leaving Masashi with him and leaving the area was best for Masashi. Naruto also saw how hard it was for Sasuke to leave their son. It was this fact more than anything else that Naruto couldn't understand. Why was it better for Sasuke to leave? When would he stop complicating everything and just be with them?

Naruto got off of Sasuke, reached down, and helped pull Sasuke to his feet. Sasuke looked at him warily.

"Promise me you'll come back and see him," Naruto demanded.

"You're letting me go, just like that?" Sasuke asked.

"I don't think I can ever let you go. But I won't chase you, today, if you promise to come back."

"Why can't you let me go, Naruto?"

Naruto thought Sasuke ought to know the reason to that. In fact, he was pretty sure his past actions had spoken quite loud and clear how he felt about Sasuke. Actually, come to think of it, Sasuke probably knew, just wanted to hear him say it.

Instead, Naruto leaned, blushing, and kissed Sasuke firmly on the lips. He pulled back to look at Sasuke. Hopefully his actions would speak louder than the words he wasn't sure he could say. Sasuke's face was unreadable, but the next think Naruto knew, Sasuke had pushed his back into the closest tree, his body warm and flushed against his, his lips harsh against Naruto's. Naruto twisted his hands into Sasuke's clothes as Sasuke pressed his hips flushed against Naruto's.

Just as abruptly, Sasuke pulled back, looking as flustered as Naruto felt. He took a deep breath, composing himself.

"I promise to come back."

And he was gone.

Naruto leaned back against the tree, disbelieving. Sasuke said he would come back. He promised. And while Naruto knew it was for the sake of their son, it didn't deter from the fact that Sasuke promised he'd be back. Naruto couldn't help the silly little smile on his face as he let the sage chakra flow out of him.

Still grinning, he steadied himself and called out to Kakashi and Yamato. Yamato was blushing faintly, and Kakashi had this stupid look on his face. Naruto was pretty sure they'd seen the whole thing, but at the moment he didn't think anything in the world could damper his spirits. No, Sasuke wasn't with him now, but he would be. Naruto believed this more deeply than he had ever before.

"Uh, was that really wise, letting him go?" Yamato asked.

"He'll be back, he promised. And obviously he keeps wanting to see Masashi," Naruto said, his mind set.

"Naruto..." Kakashi began. He scratched his head, looking as though he wasn't sure where to start. Naruto wondered if Kakashi would say something about the two of them kissing. It wasn't as if any of them didn't know that something had happened between Sasuke and Naruto – they had a baby together after all. But Kakashi still seemed hesitant. "When Pakkun was tracking Sasuke…he said he smelled more than just Sasuke's regular team."

"What?" Naruto said, frowning. "Do they have a new member? Is it someone we know?"

"My dogs said there was another person with Sasuke who smelled like Masashi. At first, I thought perhaps they were just picking up traces of his scent from when he was with them. But they said these were, uh, 'fresher' baby scents."

"Huh?"

"Naruto, what if Masashi has a twin?" Naruto felt as though Kakashi had punched him in the gut.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, what if Sasuke kept one twin and gave you the other one?" Kakashi stated simply. Naruto's entire body felt numb. The temporary euphoria left him faster than he thought possible.

"That doesn't make sense," Yamato put in. "Why would he knowingly separate them?" Naruto shook his head in disbelief. He didn't want to believe it.

"Sasuke has always wanted a _proper_ family. He wouldn't just give up his son. And he wouldn't separate twins," Naruto said firmly.

"Not unless he felt it was for the best. Naruto _think_. Sasuke _did_ give up his son. Why would he do that? I agree with you; it's not likely that he would give one up unless he was separating two Uchiha sons. You know he has always hated what happened between him and his brother – and with the power struggle within the Uchiha. It has been handed down the generations within their clan. Look at Madara and his brother. Even Sasuke was led astray by the temptation of gaining such power. He's separating the twins because he thinks it's best for both of them if they don't know about each other, and they don't have that temptation," Kakashi filled in, helpfully.

"But that's stupid!" Naruto scoffed.

"Agreed. But Sasuke has always acted how he feels is best. Though he really seems to complicate things, doesn't he?" Kakashi added thoughtfully.

"That bastard," Naruto said, thinking about when he had meditated holding Masashi while in sage mode. He'd felt what he thought was an echo. It was the other twin. Somewhere, he had another kid out there. No, not just somewhere – with Sasuke. That was why Sasuke was doing his hardest not to be found. He wanted Masashi, but he felt that by separating the two it was for their benefit. Naruto's face burned in humiliation. Had Sasuke – as per usual – just toyed with his feelings and kissed Naruto in order to get Naruto off his back?

Sai and Sakura landed softly on the grass next to him, the ink bird looking at Sai expectantly.

"What's the plan?" Sakura asked, ready to go.

"We think Sasuke's hiding Masashi's twin," Yamato said when Naruto didn't speak.

"What? Another baby?" Sakura asked, aghast.

"That's unexpected," Sai noted thoughtfully.

"Why are we standing here? We need to find them, quickly!" Sakura said, rearing to go. Naruto shook his head.

"No," Naruto murmured.

"What? But Naruto! How can you-"

"No. It's not worth it. Sasuke thinks what he's doing is best. If we try and take the other twin from him, think of what he might do," Naruto said, his tone pleading. "As long as we don't push Sasuke, the baby will be okay for now."

"You spoke to him?" Sakura asked. Naruto merely nodded.

"Naruto, he has one of your kids," Yamato pointed out gently.

"I know that, okay?" Naruto's insides twisted. He thought about another baby growing up, not knowing him. But he also thought of how he would feel if someone dared tried to take Masashi from him. Naruto wasn't sure what Sasuke would do if he wasn't ready to come back, and Naruto tried taking their other child with him.

"Sasuke promised he'd come back to see Masashi. And this time, no matter what, I won't let him leave. And I'll make sure to get Masashi's twin too."

* * *

**Next Chapter: Heartache**

Gasp! Naruto knows! But he also knows Sasuke is a dickhead and that going after Seishi might make Sasuke to go crazy. 'Cuz Sasuke's a stupid head. Anyway, there will be a time jump between this chapter and the next. Hope you liked the chapter! ~ Jelp


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